Thursday, March 15, 2018

unforgivable

Hi Sayang,



It has been three days since we had spoken. I know you are still mad and disappointed at me. I deserved that. No matter how apologies I conveyed to you or even I took my life, I know you will not forgive me this time.



I have been silent for these past few days because I wanted to give you some spaces for you to cool down. And I wanted to give myself sometimes to reflect myself and to reflect this relationship.

This message will be long, so get ready.



You know what is my first impression on you when we first met?



You were very brave and little bit of rude because you held my hand in the cinema without even asking me. But to my surprise, I didn’t hold back and I allowed you to hold my hand in the cinema and even you held my hand while you were walking me to my car. I won’t let other people to hold my hand because you had the pure sincerity that you wanted to own me and treat me good.



From that sincerity I believed you would saying me if I were your boyfriend. That is why I accepted you as my boyfriend. You’re not like ordinary gay men, not perfect but you have this heart that you wanted to do good in your life. You are so persevered in your tough life. You never give up though the road ahead is very challenging.



Throughout this one year of relationship, though it is ‘serba kekurangan’ but I’m really contended to have you in my life. Remember you were so excited for our first road trip to Cameron? Even in the planning stage, you were so hyped up. I never forget the most dangerous drive to Mossy Forest. The car is old I’m afraid it would breakdown anytime soon.

Remember you always force me to take extreme rides at the theme park? But I always declined you and you were disappointed. But at least we had fun when our money was cheated by the haunted house.



And I still remember how I’ve got my red eyes when we were at the lost world. I still remember the excitement we had when we were walking into the maze of the petting zoo. Because it was dark and you had no idea what animals hidden in the dark.



Actually, until today, I feel bad because I didn’t attend your convo. I know you really wanted to be there but I didn’t have money that time to travel to Perlis. But at least you had a surprise flowers at Body Glove.  I hope you really liked the little surprises I had for you and yes, I still have a lot of heart shaped boxes so you will expect a lot of surprises coming soon.



If I wanted to recap our memories I think it will be a very long thesis because we had so much memories together. Those memories, good and bad, I will hold it very dearly in my heart in my memory.



Unfortunately, due my stupidity and unfair treatment to you, our relationship is having a pause at the moment.



During this pause, I ask myself do I really love you. Though I always say I love you in messages and ‘I love you” is a very important sentence in this situation to win you back but I had a deeper reflection these few days to ask myself whether I truly love you. These questions would help me to answer the ultimate questions of whether I truly love you:



1. Did I get into relationship with you just because I’m afraid of being lonely?

a. I don’t think so because I gave myself a month to consider whether to have a relationship with you. If I were desperate and to have you just for the sake to kill my loneliness, I would immediately say yes when you asked me when you wanted me to be your boyfriend. But to be honest with you, I don’t feel lonely in KL but I feel alone. During my Grab period, I was envy with those couples would could spend the weekend together by going somewhere. But it wasn’t so bad because I know someone was waiting for me in Ipoh. Maybe before this I had so many friends in my life but they left KL one by one, so I was all alone in KL now. But it’s okay, at least I don’t feel lonely, just alone. This answer proves that I truly love you.



2. Did I get into relationship with you just because you’re handsome?

a. Please don’t laugh. To me, you are very handsome and tall. Though I did not tell you this but you look stunning with your long white sleeve when you were doing your job hunting at the career fair.  You look so ideal but you’re not my type. But that’s a good thing because I love you in regardless of your look. Yes, I do get jealous when you’re going out with other gays whom I do not know because I’m afraid they will chase you. I’m afraid that I will lose you because I don’t think I’m a good bf and I don’t think I’m handsome enough. Don’t worry too much of your acnes problems, your beauty lies beneath your skin. Don’t worry about your weight or being too skinny, it doesn’t bother me at all. If you are fat someday, we would be fat together. Your look ain’t important for me because what is important lies inside of you. This answer proves that I truly love you.



3. If I truly love you, why I’m so demanding and always complaining?

a. Yes, it is my bad because I’m being so demanding and complaining all the time. But you poor thing, you always try your best to meet my demands though sometimes you didn’t like it. Most of the time, if you realize, I will start complaining when I didn’t get your attention or you replied slow. You have explained to me that you seldom check your phone while you are with your friend. I accept that but I accept it slowly. Yes, I took you for granted because I didn’t really care how you feel and forcing you to meet my demands. I never meant it. For this question, the answer doesn’t really tell the love angle because it’s my attitude problem.



4. If I truly love you, why I always recap all the good deeds I have done to you?

a. Yes, it is my bad. I always recap all the good deeds and sacrifices I made to you as if you did nothing for this relationship. I always give a measurement and being calculative of what is your role of being my boyfriend. I’m sorry for this because I have overlooked my limits.   I have failed to learn that love is a very pure thing, it can’t be measured and can’t be calculated. You know why I always recapping all the efforts that I have put in this relationship? Though you said I'm the one who treats you the best but I'm always afraid that I'm not giving you enough. I'm really scared all my efforts are not good for you - so I'm sorry if I kept on reminding you on my efforts - just that I want to be a really good bf for you. For this question, the answer doesn’t really tell the love angle because it’s my attitude problem.



5. Do I picture my future with you inside?

a. Yes, I really do. I always wish to stay in a home with you. Maybe once or twice in a year, we go travel abroad. I really want to live with you because I could take care of you when you are sick. We can pet cats together. Actually, our future that I foresee is more than two of us. When time is right, I really want you to be part of my family. I wish you could join us for Chinese New Year reunion dinner because you will be part of my family. I really wish could lookout for my mother when she is having troubles and I’m not in ipoh because she trusts you and she knows that you are very important person in my life. Of course, when the time comes, I would do the same thing for your family as well.  But it’s not easy for now because financially we are not stable for now but I never lose hope. That is why I’m not comfortable when you are delaying in your job hunting. For this question, the answer proves that I truly love you.



6. Do I have feel for you?

a. Yes, I still have even in this situation. I know sometimes I could be very quiet when I’m with you but it doesn’t mean I don’t love you and it doesn’t mean I have lost my feel for you. My feel for you is still very strong. The feel is so strong until you have no idea what I want to do with your body. For this question, the answer proves that I truly love you.



7. Why did I cheat on you?

a. Yes, I did three times. This act was unforgivable, disrespectful and it was very hurtful. My sex addiction is not a valid reason to cheat. I’m very regret. You have given me the first chance and I did not appreciate it and I did not take it seriously. For me, there are two types of cheat – having another boyfriend secretly and one-night stand with other. All this while, I only have you and I do not have other boyfriend, only you. But I do admit I cheat you three times out of lust. I’m sorry and I can’t take it back.



From the above questions, though there are drawbacks and I did a dishonest act thrice, from my bottom of my heart and depth of my soul, I still love you and truly love you very much. My love for you remains unchanged. It grew strong each and every single day because I could feel I’m a very important person in your heart. You would do the best you can just to make me happy. I’m sorry if sometimes I never appreciated you but don’t get me wrong, I know you have made a lot of sacrifices.



Sayang, what have been done is done. I can’t turn back time. If I could, I would make things differently. Yes, you have given me the first chance but I ruined it. I don’t think I deserve another chance from you. I’m not qualified. I will not ask for forgiveness because I know I’m unforgivable. Words can’t describe how regrettable I am.



A situation like this I know breaking up is a right thing to do because you have lost trust, you hate me and you don’t have heart for me anymore because I shattered it. But please, look into your heart, though your heart is torn into pieces but I know those shattered pieces that’s residue of love. Let me pick up the pieces and stick it together and make your heart whole again.



I know you are hurting. Please give me a chance to ease the pain. Plant your hurt into me and let bare all your pain. You said before, of all of your lovers, I’m the one who treated you the best – please give me another chance to treat you the best. I ruined it the relationship twice but you can choose not to believe me but I can prove to you that I can change. I can change and I believe that I can because this time around I’m losing you. You are walking out from my life. And I don’t want to make repeated mistake again because I don’t want to lose you, ever.



Here’s the next step of action that I would like to propose to you-few options:



A. Ultimate break-up - We walk into separate ways and we will not contact each other anymore, in which both of us will become single. And we will never be couples anymore.



B. Break-up – We break up and we will remain single. But you will give me a chance to win you back.



C. Temporary cooling period – This will give you sometimes to consider whether you still want to continue the relationship. In this period, we will still remain in the relationship. I will still text you but I expect and ready you will not reply me.



D. We will remain in the relationship and you will give me the very very last chance – I will prove it to you that I can change. I will be less emo. I will double the effort to treat you good. I will be faithful to you – I can prove you that. Give me the very very last chance to prove to you that I meant my words this time. I will honour you and honour my words. But we need to tackle my sex addiction. I have several ideas to fight this; masturbate, to have sex with you more frequently (with your permission of course and I respect you if you say no) and/or to have FT masturbate since you still turn me on (we can explore this). I will let you know when I feel horny so we can know the next action. You can have my words that I will never ever find someone else. You already have your way to check on me whether I find someone else which until today I don’t know how you did it. I’m not talking shit anymore. I promise you one last time.



We have so much potentials to have a long-lasting relationship. And we know we love each other very much. But I’m the one who spoils it all.



I know you are hurting right now but you want to know how I feel right now?



I feel bad, I feel I’m like a jackass and I feel really worried because I’m afraid to lose you again. I lost you once and this time around I’m afraid that I will lose you again and this will be forever losing you. I don’t want that to happen because I still love you and you are irreplaceable. There are many things that we haven’t done – going to Bali, spending quality time with you in KL, going to cat café in Meru and of course our anniversary next next weekend.



Please don’t make any decision that you will regret later. I made a stupid decision that I’m regretting right now. You have no idea how sorry I am for making that decision. I could not even sleep well just thinking of you and how bad I am to hurt you. I never really appreciate the first time you forgave me and I took it for granted by cheating you one more time. I have to face the music and punishment now which is the risk of breaking up with you – I really don’t want that to happen.



Please give me the very very last chance. I will make it right this time. I will honour you as you qualified to be. I’m sorry. One last chance for me to prove that your very very last chance is worth it.



I’m not talking shit this time. You can have my words this time and for the very last time because the words above are from my heart. I know you hate me right now, I deserve it. I know you have totally zero love towards me because of me; let me build the love inside of you all over again. If there is a little spark of love towards me, please give me the very last chance to me to make your little spark to become a wildfire.  I know you are disappointed, but let me assure you, I could be the person who pick up your sunken heart from the ocean and replace it back into to you.



At this juncture, it is very guilty of me to say I love you but I really do.





You will make the decision. I'll be waiting.

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