Why I'm Still Unwanted?

So my ex-classmate is getting married next month and he is inviting my partner to tag along for the wedding dinner.

Say what? Since when I have a partner lol. Come to think of it, only once in my lifetime that I brought my ex-partner to attend someone's wedding.

I wish I could have a partner to attend all those weddings or formal functions. Not to show off, instead it's a formal introduction of my partner and foremost, recognition of my sexual preference.

It's been more than six months I'm being single. I'm doing great for these past six months. But then again, occasionally I will stop and ponder why I'm still being single and left unwanted. Here are some assumptions I made and I believe you and me share the same sentiments also:


You're Stuck on The One

You have stuck that someone that you loved so much and you were so happy with him. Sadly, that someone has moved one for long time. You realized that there's no point of waiting for him but you have set your mind that ideal partner should be someone like him. In the end, you are wasting your time seeking high and low to find someone like him. Wake up and change your mindset. Let someone brand new get close to you and make him special to you.


Low Self-Esteem

We all have these inner critical voices that tell us we are too fat, too ugly and unattractive. Trust me, I have those voices too. These critical voices are even louder when you are in gay community since body physique comes first above anything else. That's why I always believe that I'm not outstanding in this community since I don't have this physique asset. When we listen to these critical voices, we are shunning people away to get to know you. Nice body will attract another nice body in an instance in this gay community , sad right?


Pickiness

You choose people, people choose you - as simple as that. I'm a very picky person. Look, my friends are really fed up with me for being very picky when it comes to food. Pickiness in me is my nature and this is very bad when it comes to romance. There are two schools of thoughts when it comes to pickiness - being less picky and simply pick someone and give it a shot. If it works well, good on you, if it doesn't, get ready for heartbreak. Another school of thought is being persistence to your pickiness no matter how many years until you finally find someone. And this involves helluva patience. To be honest, I'm not that very choosy. I just want someone who is smarter than me and pleasant to my eyes. I always find smart guys are sexy compared to the topless guys on the street.


Defence

Most of us have been hurt in relationships. With time and painful experience, inevitably, we build up varying degrees of bitterness and becoming defended. This process begins even when we were small when we encountered hurtful interactions, it led us to put walls or perceive the world through a filter. These adaptations can cause us to become increasingly self-protective and closed off. However, if you don't open up, how you could let people come into your life? Tear down these walls now!


No Time

That's me haha. You see, I'm occupied with my work and after working hours, I would be death tired. That's why I normally hang out with my closed friends after working hours since we don't have struggle to come out with a topic to talk. Even the air of silence, we would be comfortable. On contrary, if I want to meet someone new, first, I will look very tired and it will be bad for my first impression. Secondly, I don't want that person to feel uncomfortable as I would be quiet when I'm tired.

Just Not Ready

You're are too self-sufficient and do not require anyone to interrupt your life. You obliged to no one and you could do whatever damn thing you want. I feel that sometimes. Having a lover seems like a burden for me cause I need to spend some quality time for me in which my time is very limited even for myself. And I'm too independent and there's no need for me to dependant on someone. But then again, sometimes I do wish someone who could take care of things when I don't have the ability to do so.

You Gotta Have A Body

Water guns here, water guns there, water guns everywhere.

If you happen to be gay, it is most likely that your Facebook is flooded with some guys holding water guns somewhere in Thailand. Yes, it is the annual gay pilgrimage again, Songkran festival.

If you ask our Malaysian gay folks,who are in Thailand now, about what the festival is all about, I'm pretty sure they will reply you that don't have any idea or these responses:

• I just want to have fun with my friends
• I just want to have fun with random strangers
• I just want to have fun with random strangers in my hotel room
• I just want to check out on hot guys
• I just want the hot guys to check out on me
• I just want to spray some water because the weather is too hot
• I just want to spray some water on the hunks so they could take off their shirt
• I just want the hot hunks to spray on me so I could take off my shirt
• I just want to get laid tonight

But seriously, if you didn't know, Songkran is the traditional Thailand New Year marked by throwing water. However, this holy festival is marred by many gays who seize the opportunity to be promiscuous ( I will be stoned by saying this lol). It's true, if not, why gay people especially from Malaysia like to go there like annually. There are three places that gays will flock together - gym, a place to have romance and a place to be promiscuous.

Nevertheless, thank you guys in Thailand right now for giving my eyes some pleasure. I believe you guys had a very painful control diet and workout for Songkran.

Looking at the hot bodies in my Facebook, I always wonder what if I have a nice body too, say, something like Zac Efron? 

So my bud teases me that if one day I have a nice body, I should not post my body picture since I have been labelling all the gays who like to post shirtless pictures as fag. Okay, i won't then.

Anyway, If I ever had a sizzling body, my body will be an asset like shining armour. Definitely, I will gain a lot of attention since the superfical gay folks out there are captivated by one's body and not the nature and the intangible values within that one's body. 

Come to think of it, I guess I will be one of the loneliest person in the world if I have a firm and built body. I can't deny that people will pay attention to me and even to be friends with me but they are fake. They just want to be closer to you so they could be proud that they have a 'friend' who is hot and his circle of friends could pay attention to him also. 

When you a hot body, inevitably, a lot of people will chase after you. Yes, they chase after your body and not what constitute you. In the end, when the people are tired with your body, they just dump you and move on with another new body. So in the end, you are left in despair. 

Having an ugly body is not bad after all. You're safe. Friends and lovers are at least truthful enough to accept your flaw of your ugly body. 

It's late everyone. Good night. For those who are having fun at Songkran, please be safe. You know what I mean. 

April Come She Will

And I said "Yes" to him. Thus, I'm attached.

For those who have no idea what I'm talking about, please refer to my previous post (simply click here).

Thank you for the best wishes. I posted a picture in my Facebook which depicts that I look like in a relationship with a cutie pie and I even blog a sweet occasion in my previous entry - it didn't happen. It was a April's Fool prank.

The cutie pie is my friend (he's hot right?) and the previous entry was just my random imagination while I was waiting my hair to dry and I wrote my imagination in words piece by piece lol.

I was really touched by your best wishes actually. I was happy that you guys would be happy for me if I were attached. But sadly, it was just a prank.

Fun is over, now back to reality. The reality of second quarter of 2016, fast right?

I don't expect much happenings in this second quarter since my work will preoccupy me, I supposed.

As we enter the month of April, come, let's wish my blog "Happy Birthday". I have been blogging here for four years now. I still could recall I started this blog because I was so emo for one person back then. I couldn't find anyone to confide, so I just blog it out.

You may read my very first blog here.

The person that I mentioned in my very first blog has already found his happily ever after. Even the places that we spent quality time together has been closed down or refurbished. There are no more traces of nostalgia anymore - so moved on.

Anyway, though I'm kinda determined to remain single this year but there are few potentials  to change my mind actually. But I'm rather afraid to go through the love sick thing again. I'm very afraid to fall in and out.

Maybe I'm think too much. It's my taboo to fall in love with a person who doesn't love me.

Such as Mr N who was transferred to somewhere far away. So no point for me to have a long distance. However, I found out that he's back in KL without telling me. Apparently, he is seeing someone!

Then, there was Mr J, my favourite and he has more potential compared to Mr N since former could take care of things. But sadly, he's MIA.

Then there was someone whom I could not mention his initial, apparently, he has gone fancy.

It's late. I know the person I should love the most is A, and that's Alvin. Let's emo and good night.

Piece by Piece

As I reached his front door, my stomach was filled with butterflies. The waiting for him to open the door it was like a lifetime of waiting.

"You're here," he said.

Duh, I was waiting at the door. If weren't me, what else? Some spirit?

Though i was annoyed with the long waiting but once he flashed his smile, I could not stay mad at him anymore.

As he promised, there was in fact a plate of lasagna on dining table. It did look appetizing until I doubt that it was made by him. I supposed he bought from somewhere or ordered from Food Panda.

"There you go" as he handed the cutlery next to my serving before him. I really like people who pass me the cutlery before them, I find this small gesture is really caring.

As we adjourned to dinner, he started the conversation over the dining table with an apology. Apology didn't seem to vindicate him for being MIA recently. I can't reveal why he was missing in action but his reason seems legit.

"Alvin, do you want to take this friendship to another level? I wish we could be more than just friends," he said.

I was like shit, I wasn't ready for a relationship.

"Before you went to MIA, I know we were kinda happy or rather flirtatious with each other. But I never expect this flirting could turn into feeling and love. To answer your question, I really don't know. What you like about me? I don't have nice body and I'm not good looking either," I asked in a calm tone whereas my heartbeat was beating irregularly.

"I told you many many times. If I were looking for nice body or good looking guy, I would have been attached long time ago," he said.

"So you meant that I'm fat and ugly, that's why you wanted to be with me?," I interrupted.

"Yes, in a way. Of course no. You're just you. You are very comfortable of being you. And I'm very comfortable of being myself when I'm with you. I get jealous when you are mentioning other guys. I know I sound selfish and controlling but I just want to be a big part of your world. I want to know how your day was, what you have eaten...I just want to make sure you are alright. And I know you will do the same for me" he said.

"You know I had been in and out of love for many times. People whom I love would walk away from me eventually. I'm scared. I'm really scared. This love thingy will eventually end in disaster and disappointment. I'm really tired," I replied as I held back my tears.

"I had been through of what you have been through. Please forget your past. Let me assure you, I will compensate for everything you have missed or even mistreated by previous guys that you loved. I knowit ain't easy giving up your heart but I really like you," he said as he inched closer to me and held my both hands.

"I will never let you go.   Right from the start, I know I have to make you mine," as he said with his teary eyes.

"Shall we, baby".....

When Will I See You Again?

So bud of mine is emo recently since his partner is away for few weeks. He is so emo until he needs to be away from KL so that he wouldn't spend the weekend alone and  being emo at home.

I know I shall be death by revealing this but at least he has someone to miss and I truly believe that his partner misses him to pieces as well.

You see. there are two kind of missing. One is the scenario above in which both parties miss each other. From my own experience, this kind of miss is the sweetest. Literally, you can't get him out of your mind.

Regardless you are working or driving or just waking up from your bed, he will be the first person comes to your mind. Every now and then, you will text him to check out what he is doing or what he had for lunch. You even check your phone regularly to see whether he texts though your phone is not in silent.

 And at end of the day before you go to bed, he will text you to ask how your day was.

To be honest, I miss this kind of missing feeling.

However, once the person that you miss the most walks away from your life, you have another kind of missing and this is missing is painful and this missing always happens to me. Sucks right?

The painful part lies in the memories that you enjoyed so much with him. Those sweet memories that you cherish so much becomes your worst enemy that gives you unrest and sorrow. It's even more painful when the cafes or even the retail shops that you always spent time together are already closed down. The last piece of tangible thing that you had with him is slowly gone from your sight.

The best thing you can do is just visualize you and him had a memorable time together at that very place.

If there is a sound for missing and longing, I hope there will be no sound of sob nor sorrow. But I'm always fated that I will have people appear in my life that will take me on the most unforgettable journey. In the end, they will leave me behind with the most painful momento.

It's getting late. It's pointless to be emo for a person who doesn't misses you back or missing in action. But i always ask myself...when will i see him again? When was the last time he thought of me? Or has he completely erased me from his memory?

. The thing I miss the most is that when I was very important in his life and I meant a lot for him. I hope that he will find the missing piece to bring me back to him.

Best Of Both Worlds

It's rather funny or even confusing when people ask me whether I'm top or bottom. Come on, why gays have to be haunted by this question from both other gays and straights.

I'm not talking about sexual position here but rather the role I take in a relationship, if any. Well, if you are dying to know what my sexual position is, why not you explore it in my bedroom.

Anyway, I'm bottom in a relationship. OH NO!! That's what my friends always label me. In fact, I'm confused actually. I think I'm best of both worlds. Oh wait, I just realize that I'm versatile.

In all seriousness, I'm really looking forward for a versatile partner in near future. There are many reasons why I have this aim. Let's..

Assuming I'm top...

Then my partner will be bottom. My generalisation may be wrong but I always find bottoms have this emotional rampage. Most of decisions and actions are driven by emotion that could reduce the level of rationality. I know many bottoms will bitch slap me for saying this but I'm sorry since I watch too much of speeches by Trump with his dramatic finger gesture y so no holds barred for me.

I can't picture myself that I will take a top and a man role in a relationship because I don't see I'm qualified enough. And it consumes a lot of energy and moola just to make a bottom happy since most of them are pretty demanding. I rather have those energy and money for myself. Furthermore, I'm not rich nor have a manly physique to make bottoms fall for me. It's true, money and body are two main aims for bottoms. True love, i doubt so.

Those bottoms who act cute when they are young, I wonder what happen to them when they reach 30s. OMG, don't tell me they gonna act cute at the age of 35, that's disgusting. Really, I have Facebook friend, who is in his mid 30s and he is still posing with soft toys and make all those cute facial expression...yucks..sorry, I just puked in my mouth when he came into my mind.

The world is indeed overcrowded by bottoms. Gay men are like tupperware, you can find all the bottoms, but you can't find the tops.

Assuming I'm bottom...


I guess I would be more comfortable to be a bottom. You see, I don't have to do anything. My top partner will shower me everyday with love.

Just joking, I don't want to see myself as a super bottom either coz I don't want others to see me as bottom bitch. Wait, I'm already a bitch regardless I'm top or bottom haha.

Furthermore, I don't think any top men out there could meet my demands. Even if they could, I don't want to be a loser that always rely on my partner. I could handle myself and lead my life well (although I always wish I could have a top partner who could drive me around coz I'm very lazy to drive).

If my next boyfriend is versatile, I wish he could be initiative, smart and equipped with problem-solving skills. These three traits are very attractive for me. And of course, good command in English please so he will understand my jokes and my sarcasm. Physical wise, good looking is unnecessary (though I wish he could look like Gu Hai) but at least he could flash his smile and make my day.

Regardless top, bottom, versatile - strip away your position and role, underneath it's all the same love.

Why Can't We Be Like That?

I promised myself that this year would be a year that I would be truly single. Without any slightest thought and temptation to get a partner.

Unfortunately, my New Year's determination seems to diminish a little.

Thanks but no thanks to Addiction/Heroin webseries. Damn it, Bai Luo Ying and Gu Hai were so sweet together until making me to get a partner in my life.

Actually, there was a significant person came into my life earlier this year. We started it cool but sooner later he would greet me in morning and sent me good night message every night. He had the potential indeed for me to consider to take a step further. Sadly, he is MIA now.


Life goes on. This isn't the first time and won't be the last time that I have this "so close" situation and I'm tired of this.

I guess you are tired too right. You see, people who showed slight interest in you could yell out those sweet words that could really melt your heart. Such as "I'll take you there..." or "I miss you" or "we do that together okie"...but we (or maybe it's just me) need to wake up to face the reality that things are not happening and the person is gone.

 In short, move on. I know best thing in life would take sometimes. It's good to wait for the one you truly love. But as the time goes, this perseverance becomes stubbornness. And this will lead you to no way and you have waited your damn lifetime for nothing.

No matter how many times you tell yourself to move on and you know there are some people stay deep down in your heart. Please wish them well. Seeing them happy, you would be happy too if you really love them. Loving a person is not about possession, it's just to see that very person happy. Unfair right, he is happy and I'm emo and wishing him well.

I really do envy people around me sometimes. They seem so loving together. Hiding under bedsheet together, spontaneous treasure hunt to locate the surprise gift, exotic escapade. Maybe I did experience these before but I just didn't appreciate it. Such a jerk.

It's getting late. Someday soon, I know he will appear in misty air. And everyone of you would be awed by how awesome my boyfriend is lol..

Come, let's emo together with my favourite song at the moment....most of the time, we will ask ourselves why we can't be like that...