Even it leads nowhere

I think it's pretty hard to be my another half as I don't really share my problems with anyone. It's like finding a needle in a haystack to discover my problem. I feel bad sometimes that my partner is trying his best to understand but i just refuse to share it out. Sometimes it is really bad that i will throw tantrum at him for no reasons. I think he better thinks twice to move along the path with me as i throw tantrum a lot and when mood-swing strikes me, it's very unbearable. 

Likewise, I'm really sorry for him as I'm emo most all the time. I also don't know why this emo-ness shrouding me like everyday. Maybe I'm just a little flightless bird - everything that i wanted so much seems like out of reach for me. I do get envy sometimes for the things I don't have. Even though I have the capabilities but some shit will eventually happen so - no matter how hard i try, I'll go back to square one. If i were ever to start all over again, i hope people who are close to me can give their supports and not be judgmental from A to Z. I believe we only live once and time is short, why don't let me to try something new? A change will make you good sometimes.

It's really tired sometimes to find the reason to be truly happy. I miss the smile on my face - the true smile that engraved  by my own happiness. Really, it's been awhile that I have that laughter. I'm not implying my partner is a dickhead for failing to give me happiness. He has always been the source of my happiness but my life could not be relying on him all the time for all those intangible needs. 

Gay Son Like Me

It was rather an awkward moment when My mother asked my partner  “Do you have a girlfriend?”.

Like duh, “Mom, his lover is me la!”

Of course my response above never actually happened since I’m still in the closet from my mom. I guess one of her wishes is to see me to get married and settle down. I think it will be impossible to make it happen since my beloved country never ever will allow me to get married ( and I’m just paying my taxes to the country since I’m a trespasser). To be honest, I really want to have a “walking down the aisle” moment because it’s a lifetime experience and I don’t want to die without any solid and proper acknowledgement for my partner.

Even the wedding happens; it will be an obsolete if my mom doesn’t give her blessing.

Aside from keeping up with my partner, one of the challenges that I’m facing being a gay fella is that I’ve been hiding this dirty secret of being gay from my mom.

I think she knows I’m gay just that she doesn’t want to confront me. How the heck that she knows?

Some of my friends are rather soft, I’m pretty close with my girl friends and I don’t have a girlfriend for the longest time – come on, she’s my mom, I bet she will know that her son is rather special compared to her eldest son.

I’m quite admire those gay folks who came out to their mom – I even more envy to know that they treated their son’s partner like their own son – how wonderful it will be!

So how should I come out? Blatantly and abruptly tell her that Im gay? Or formally introduce my partner to her?  Or maybe I just forever hold my silence?

But whatever it is, I know for sure, no matter I’m straight or gay or bisexual or transsexual, I know she will accept me of who I am and she will never have a tinge of embarrassment over it.

 I believe this notion of acceptance applies to every mother in the world as the love shown by our mothers are simply irreplaceable and utmost respectable. Indeed, having a mother is like having a treasure.

I guess you who are reading this blog will agree with me that no one else can do of what you’ve done for us – a tribute to the woman in our lives, Happy Mother’s Day!

Steady hands just take the wheel

2014 is gonna be half year soon and how it has been treating you?

Not to say i have a terrible first half of 2014 since I have found my love partner and oh boy the serendipity still overwhelms me. Things are looking positive for both of us and I don't rule out any possibility of cohabitation next year. Just love him so much.

In other note, recently I have found out that my health has taken a new turning point and i should not take my health lightly. Don't worry, it's not fatal but medical treatment will take a month or two - so wish me speedy recovery.

Ever since i know that my health is at stake, so I'm wondering should i leading my life with regrets and walking on the broken glasses. Life is too short for regrets and I have so many things that are still far out of reach.

Sometimes i really doubt of the things I'm doing is worth fighting and dying for. Really, the things i'm doing now do take my breath away and it's so suffocating.It's like i'm at the end of the road without any sense of control. All of my thoughts have taken their toll and my mind has broken spirit of my soul.

But it doesn't mean the end, July is my favourite month and i do hope things will be better and it should be better.