Thursday, October 29, 2015

Our Times

It is very rare of me to walk into cinema and watch a Taiwanese movie. First, I'm not good in Mandarin - though the movies have subtitle but some of the Chinese sayings could not really be translated in English.  Second, I have doubts in Chinese movies (please don't judge). To be honest, I only watched like less than ten Taiwanese movies in my lifetime.

However, after persuasion from my colleague and all positive reviews in Facebook, so I broke my belief and watched 'Our Times' 我的少女時代.

And my gosh, it was that nice that I wouldn't mind to watch for second time. I don't want to be a spoiler here so I won't write any plot here. You have to watch it on your own.

It was really a tearjerking movie as sobbing sound filled the air. Even I also couldn't hold back my tears. There were many reasons for the tears - it really warmed my heart and I felt very sorry for her.

I guess the most painful experience that she endured was 'so close but yet so far' situation. You loved that person and you knew the person loved you too. But somehow, neither of you would like to take the first move to confess and make an affirmation. You would think it was okay to have this friendzone as you afraid that you would frighten him if you confessed. You afraid to lose him. You would lie to yourself that you enjoyed the moments with him as a friend but the heart could hardly hold back the feelings. 

The urge to hug him and the urge to tell him how much he meant for you would just remained in your heart. The silence between both of you was just disguise - the beating of two hearts between both of you would explain it all of what was really going on.

You would give the utmost concern to this 'friend' of yours. You would make sure that he was alright. You would be stalker-stalking his Facebook almost everyday just to know how his day was. 

I guess all the beautiful moments in this world have its ending. One of you would be parted from this 'friendzone' and he went for someone else. You wished him well with all sincerity but your world had literally crushed. You moved on eventually as time could heal it all. As you moved on, you would carry this regret with you - regretting didn't tell him at the first place.

Oh well, the movie concluded beautifully. Happy ending in movies doesn't really reflect the actuality. Love and relationship would end up in a mess for most of us. Alright, don't want to be a downer here. I wish myself and you who are reading this entry, would have the same happy ending like Lin Zhen Xin. 

Don't feel despair if this friendzone didn't turn to relationship. At least you had little luck to have those sweet moments. Perhaps, the other person is luckier than you...

P/S: It's not.

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Smoke Gets in Your Eyes

So I was walking in KL downtown with my client. My client (an expat) was surprised that I didn't put my mask on.

"Malaysians are used to it. We have four seasons - dengue season, durian season, monsoon season and now hazy season - no worries," I said.

A NASA satellite image showing the extend of the haze
on 24 September 2015
Be honest with me, any of us really put a mask on when we step out of the home/office? Unless you are asthmatic but people are used to the haze and nonchalant about it. We have it every year, so it's okay. I guess the school kids are among the first group of people who are enjoying this pale white sky since they have impromptu school holidays. The second group will be the people who have suicidal intention. Just come to Malaysia and take a deep breath.

But on serious note, my first haze experience is like 20 years ago and it was caused burning forest and peatland fires from our beloved neighbour Indonesia. 20 years later, the haze is still lingering here, forest is still burning and peatlands are still on fire in Indonesia - billowing plumes of chocking smoke across South East Asia.

Do you think enough is enough? Come on, twenty over years and you cannot fix this shit? Is the Indonesian government that ineffective to combat the fires and capture those firms and farmers who were behind this? Okay, don't think about neighbours, look into your heart, Indonesia - think about your own people back home. They are sick of tired of this yearly occurrence.

Meanwhile, drastic action has been taken by Singapore. Apparently, the Singapore's largest supermarket chain NTUC FairPrice had pull toilet paper and other products sourced from Asia Pulp & Paper from its shelves after the company was among those named responsible for forest fires in Indonesia.

Moreover, Singapore has sued five Indonesian companies blamed for farm and plantation fires. Under the 2014 Transboundary Pollution Act, Singapore can impose a fine of about $70,000 each day on a local or local company that contributes to unhealthy level of air quality.

This is the most interesting part - meanwhile back home in Malaysia... nothing. Nothing has been done.  To make the situation worse or rather ludicrous, our beloved Deputy Prime Minister said that we should adopt a more personal approach in resolving bilateral issues with Indonesia counterparts. 

As reported in NST Online- "Certain sensitive issues cannot be solved through conventional diplomacy. It is easier if we forge familial relationships with Indonesia"

So yeah, nothing will be done for us. It's okay if we have a bad neighbour, we just keep quiet. Everyday is a happy day.

BTW, it is reported that the haze might be prolonged to early next year. Tak pe, Indonesia kan kawan baik kita - it's okay Indon, burn your entire country. We will take the smoke.

Okay, enough for this messed up country, let's sleep early alright? Tomorrow will be a another hazy day. 

Monday, October 19, 2015

I Belong To Me

"So, what's your plan for Christmas? Sure you don't want to join us?" my bud asked.

"Nah, I'll be celebrating with Eason," i replied.

So who is this Eason? Actually, it's Eason Chan. There's a song by him called "Lonely Christmas".

I know it was a bad joke but  Christmas is ain't far away. Being a sucker for this occasion, I think I shouldn't be worried about who will be my date or my plan will be. It should be fine if my Christmas is all by myself.

Joy and happiness seem hard to come by for me, I foresee. I always ask myself why my friends seem so contended and happy but not for me?

God is not fair? Something wrong with me? Or just the time hasn't arrived just yet.

I don't know. Sometimes my Facebook is just overwhelmed with public display of affection. Alright, they have freedom to post anything they want. I did have those moments before but all those moments were short-lived. It just slipped out of my hands.

No matter how pathetic it sounds, I think I shouldn't rely too much on people to give me happiness. I once believed that happiness should derive from two people but eventually it left me with sadness, disappointment and one helluva of emo-ness.

It will be hard for me to find anyone who fulfilled my needs. Thus, I don't need somebody to complete me, I complete myself. My heart is my possession. I'll be my own reflection.

Yes, it's a lonely place to me but deal with it. Like what Whitney Houstan sings "Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all".

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

By Your Side

You know it's quite depressing that you acted strong in front of people but in fact, you're not. People will have this perception  that you are that strong so you would overcome and endure whatever adversities you are facing.

So when the strongest person is in need of someone to confide in or even just want some company, it's very hard to come by. Because people would assume that the strongest person could face it alone.

In scale of 0 to 10 - how would rate my strength?

I'm not referring to physical strength but emotionally. 10? 5?

I could not judge but I believe I'm somewhat strong. However, unfortunate events keep happening in my life recently. I lost my grandparents this year and I even ended relationship not long ago. How could the strongest person on this earth to bear this?

In case you fail to notice, in case you fail to see - I'm tired and lonely sometimes. I know being alone doesn't mean being lonely. I can be alone most of the time and I believe that I'm quite independent to do things on my own but you know sometimes I just want a company.

Maybe we've grown up and parted separate ways. I still could recall that I used to have many friends that who truly cared about me. Maybe they're all attached so yeah, quality time should be spent with the loved one. Okay understood but not to the extend of negligence right. (Exception to T, E and M who have been there for me)

Talking about my circle friends, I wonder do I have any BFFs left.  I still could recall that my BFF would be one call away whenever I need him. I still could recall that my BFF would take me out to eat or drink whenever I craved for something. Oh well, grow up, Alvin.

I guess I should start a reality series in finding my next bff. I wish could be Taylor Swift sometimes. She's beautiful, a whore, talented and she is surrounded my a group of BFFs.

I'm well-aware that it must be pain in the ass for being my friend, what's more being BFF - even worse for being my partner. Demanding, mood swing, super choosy in food and the list goes on.

Oh well, it's rather late and it's time to hit the hay.  I guess this song will be suitable to end this entry.

Friday, October 9, 2015

Need A Love To Last Forever

It has been three weeks since we broke up and this transition period is rather smooth actually.

To my surprise, I'm not that emo. If i termed this end of relationship thingy -as 'emancipation' or 'liberalisation', it really implies that my ex partner was such a terrible lover to be with. Nah, he's a nice guy but things couldn't work between us, so breaking up is the most ideal solution for both us.

Alright, I'm single now, what's next?

To get a rebound. Seriously, I would never do that. It's such a time wasting and hurtful for others. Beside, who am I to get a rebound? I don't have any plus points for my physical attributes.

Moving forward, I really should restructure my life since it had been a huge mess. I really should put all my efforts and attention to fix any shortcomings on every aspect of my life. I've no idea how long it takes but someday which it's very soon I'll be on my feet again.

But talking about love, you know, this isn't the first time this has happened to me. This love sick thing. A boy like me doesn't stay single for long. Cause every time a boyfriend and I break up, my world is crushed and I'm all alone. The love bug crawls right back up and I'll be back.

Sounds like a diva right?

But honestly, with all humility, if I'm that lucky to have the next love, I hope it would be the everlasting one. I ain't young anymore and I believe it's about time that I need to settle down. Not only me, I guess my friends and ex-classmates would be dying to attend the very first gay wedding right? 

But seriously, I have no clues to find my Mr. Right. I did trust my guts once but that fella just vanished in the haze. So guts is not the clue. What else? Looks and physically fits into 'my type'? Never work - you see, there's no point if you own a nice packaging but the content is faulty.

Like my bud said, don't play with people's feelings. Spend sometime to soul searching on what you really want in a relationship. And the best thing in love is that it will come to you when you least expected.

So  I really don't expect too much nor expect to have a new relationship in near future. But if that one fine day really comes, I hope he can pick me up from the airport hahaha. Joking but sometimes I really wish that I would have someone at the arrival hall just to receive me.

Anyway, just a piece of advise before I end my entry, feelings could be misleading sometimes. What you need is assurance. Assurance comes when you realize that you could rely upon that very person who walks next to you. Even if you have the toughest moment in your life, the simple sentence of 'everything will be alright' could be so assuring from him.

Maybe you had that very person in your life but for some reasons you are not with him. Wish him well. Move on. No points to hold back the memories. I know sometimes it's irreplaceable but you've got to move on. Either it will lead you to find a better person or that very someone will go back to you after all.

The people who are meant to be in your life will always gravitate back towards you , no matter how far they've wandered. If you really love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours. If not, it wasn't meant to be.

Saturday, October 3, 2015

Single Again, Eventually

My fellow readers,

As you reading this entry, my ex-partner and I had ended our relationship two weeks ago. It was a mutual pact for both of us and we believe that breaking up is the best solution for both of us.

You may ask why.

There were many reasons that drove us to the edge to make this decision. I know ending a relationship could be one of the parties' problem. In this case, I might been a jerk in many ways that made my ex-partner to be mistreated.

No matter how many apologies and forgiveness, we both knew this relationship could never be salvaged. He was clearly aware that I had lost interest in the relationship when he realized that I was happier with my friends rather being with him. He knew that many things and many ways that I wanted could not be met by him.

Well, for my end, he deserved better. By having me as his partner, I felt that he was really wasting his time. I shouldn't be so selfish by having him for the sake of being relationship. We only live once, and he should have all the time and youth to find his own happiness. And I'm not that man to give him happiness nor he is the one who give me happiness. I'm an obstruction for him.

I truly hope that he doesn't hold any resentment and regrets as it is useless in a situation like this. Move on and do not ever look back. Do not hold the past until you miss the future opportunities. I know for time being, the feelings are heavy and empty but trust me, time can heal everything.

So what's next for me?

I really don't know. The best thing to do now is to rest for awhile and have some alone time. To be honest, I wish I could just pack my bags and fly to somewhere alone - somewhere like Bali. I saw a travel show couple weeks ago about Bali, it has so much to offer aside from its magnificent beach. Fingers crossed.

In another note, after this relationship, I feel like I'm better off alone. It is like all my exs had enough of me.  Maybe I have attitude problems that drove them nuts. Maybe I ain't good enough to be a lover, perhaps, single forever is a new tagline for me.

Whatever it may be, everything will be alright. Breaking up doesn't mean end of the world. It's a new beginning and it starts now.