Mere Serendipity

Finding love is never easy - or so it seems when you're single.

As many gay men would admit it, those gay chatting apps like Grindr and JackD will never ever be the platform to find love or at least true love. Come on, we are well-aware that most of the people there are looking for sex. I bet you have plenty of fun from there too.

Let me share my experience in those gay app, there are two side of my stories, one is good and one is bad. The bad, I could not find a lover using that app and people there are really superficial. If you don't have the look or the good physique, don't expect people will reply to your 'hi'.

On the other hand, the good side of these app is that I've found plenty of good friends over there. No wonder, people who are already attached still logging in those apps in the pretext to look for friends. Their boyfriend must be bore them to death lol.

Okay gay apps are not the best way to find lover, what about those decent app like those swipe left and swipe right app...what is the app again....oh yeah Tinder. I have Tinder but most of the time I swipe to the right if you know what I mean.

I guess the technology is ain't the platform for me to find love. Come to think of it, technology never assisted at all for my past relationships. I've got to know most of them through my friends' introduction.

You see, as you grow older, you circle of friends will be rapidly shrinking. Either they are married and have their own life or just wander off somewhere for career. With my limited number of my friends,  I really doubt my friends will introduce me with some potentials.

So where can I find my love?

What about club, the gay's lair?  You know I don't club. What about another gay's lair, gym? My gym is filled with very straight men, well least to my eyes. Even they are gay I don't think they will approach me since I'm not good looking nor have a good physique yes I'm that timid. Though I hope few men at my gym will approach me, well, at least say hi. Wait a minute, did I intentionally leak out that I'm taking up gym?!

Back to my question above, where do I find love - No effort or even time needed to find love. We do not need to find love, love finds us. I always believe in serendipity and fate. That very person will walk into your life and you will fall for him at the unexpected time and at the unexpected place.

Lame right? Talk about serendipity here. I will be laughing at myself if five years down the road I still believe in serendipity and there's no one walk into my life.

Or maybe I could be the last one to laugh but laughing the loudest with my most ideal partner. I always envisage Prince Charming of mine will appear in my life on a drizzle evening. Don't know, maybe rain is something sentimental for me.

Let me envisage some more. He will be taller than me. Maybe we are strangers at first but as he looks at me, he is like looking the best thing in his world. We will trade smiles then the rest will be history. Okay, back to reality and I hate reality.

Since I hate reality that much, let's continue to envisage. Tall guy is my preference since I could put my head on his chest easily.

Then he will caress my hair and whispers to me gently as he is holding me in his arms "If I could give you one thing in life, I would give you the ability to see yourself through my eyes. Only then you would realize how special you are to me," as I'm looking into his eyes that cry for a little bit more of me.

Okay this blog is getting 50 shades of gay. Good night.

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Desire, Despair

It was really devastating to know that my ex-client and my friend thereafter has passed on. He was so young to leave us. He was among the most kind-hearted friends that I ever knew.

After I learnt his passing, I have this thought once again that life is indeed short and sometimes it is unpredictable. You may never know that today is your final and tomorrow never comes.

Someday you will be on the deathbed and recalling those defining moments in your life. You will jump into conclusion to define your life in just few words. If you given a choice, how would you define your life in few adjectives?

"Desire" and "despair" to sum up my life. Sounds pathetic right?

I'm not being pathetic but just being honest to myself. I never see myself as a happy person, mere contented but not happy, slightly emo.

Maybe I'm shallowed to be influenced by social media postings. My friends seem so very happy with their pictures. Be it to be physical materials, family, lover, romance - it seems that they have it all. But not for me, everything is like out of reach. The things I desire  will always remain in desire realm. Sometimes work hard to achieve is not enough, it depends to your luck and fate sometimes.

How would you feel if people around you are ahead of you and somehow outdo you? Aside from despair, you would feel that you are undeserving. In the end, when you are undeserving, you just pass the dull days without any aims nor any desires.

Aside from despair, the other adjective to sum up my life is "disappointment". I always envisage that people are kind and loving. But as you grow up older, you will realize that society functions on beauty, the extensiveness and level of belongings and power. If you don't have these mentioned elements, you don't expect to be valued. It sounds ugly but that's the fact. What happen to those who don't have those elements?  Undervalued, so they would just wander at the pavement. Sometimes you don't even deserve to wander at the pavement.

Before I end my note, here's my two cent. We should never expect, never demand and never assume. We should know our limits, know where to stand and know our role. Please don't get jealous and paranoid. Just go with the flow and stay happy. Good night.

<3 Mom

We always lament that time flies and we are getting older. I'm guilty of that too. Nevertheless, we still have the youth and the stamina to walk down the path which is named 'future'.

As we are walking down this path, there are people around us that should not be neglected - our parents. They are not young anymore. The youth and stamina seems to be a thing of yesteryears for them. 

Even I also feel that my parents are getting older. Apart from physical features, they walk a bit slower. It's rather mixed feeling between heartwarming and heartache - when you were little, you parents will hold your hand to walk as they afraid that you would wander off somewhere. It was their assurance to you that they would never let you go and they would keep you safe. 

But now, you have to hold your parents' hand and walk as you afraid that they would fall down. It is your assurance to them that it is your turn to keep them safe.

Since today is Mother's Day and soon to be Father's Day, here's my personal view on these two occasions. Materials and luxury are not the perfect give for both occasions. What they really want from you is spending quality time with them. Quality time is more than luxury.

It's really bizarre for me to learn that Anna Jarvis, the person who founded Mother's Day 1912 but she was the one who boycott the celebration in later years. Why? 

Because she despised the excessive amount of consumerism associated with Mother's Day today. The real meaning of the day is lost.

Before I end my note, there's a reason some people think they can do anything...they listened to their mothers. Happy Mother's Day.

10 Things I Learned While Everyone Else Was Getting Married

By Rania Naim, Thought Catalog 

1. Your ‘type’ changes drastically as time goes by. Especially in your mid to late twenties. You start looking for deeper and more solid qualities like responsibility, honesty and integrity instead of fun, charming and super attractive. You begin to appreciate a partner you can talk to about meaningful things, about your problems, about your family and about your work because as you grow up, the things that matter to you change drastically too.

2. Finding the right career is more important than getting married. Finding the right career for you is the most rewarding gift you can give yourself. It will give you something to look forward to and will always motivate you to grow and learn new things. It will make you a better person and a happier person and you will not have to depend on love to make you happy.

3. Modern dating sucks but it really teaches you a lot. Modern dating sucks but with every dating disaster that happens to you, you learn one more thing about yourself and about the person you are looking for. You also learn how to love yourself and you learn that sometimes you have to choose being alone instead of being with someone who is not treating you right or someone who doesn’t want to define the relationship.

4. Invest in a few good friends. Your friends will be your support system forever. The better friends you have, the easier your life will be. Good friends will get you through almost anything in life. Pick them wisely and you will always find someone to lean on when life gets rough. They will be your main backbone.

5. Don’t settle. Don’t date someone just because you’ve been single for so long or because all your friends are married. Don’t stay in a relationship that is not good for you because it’s comfortable and don’t hold on to someone who doesn’t love you the way you deserve to be loved.

6. You have to know who you are before getting married. Getting married when you’re in an unsteady place in your life makes you count on the relationship as the main source of your happiness and makes you follow your partner’s footsteps without stopping to ask yourself if this is what you really want.

7. Kids are not the answer. Having kids does not mean you secured a spot in marriage paradise, if anything, it’s the ultimate test to determine how strong the marriage is. People who have kids when they’re not ready are really just setting their marriage up for disaster.

8. You will not ‘lose’ your married friends. I think this is the biggest misconception – that you will not be talking to your friends who got married. Once they get past the honeymoon phase, everything will be back to normal and they will still be a phone call away.

9. You can make things happen alone. You can get your dream job or buy that house or travel to this country without anyone’s help or approval. When you are growing up without being committed to someone, you truly have the world in your hands and you can just do whatever you want and become whoever you want. Being independent is a wonderful thing that will make you rich in so many ways. In this day and age, being single is actually a privilege— depending on the way you look at it.

10. Marriage is also not the answer. I mentioned earlier that kids are not the answer but marriage is also not the answer. If you didn’t learn to find your happiness alone, you won’t find it in your marriage, if you didn’t learn to love yourself when you’re single, you won’t love yourself when you’re married, if you didn’t find yourself before marriage, you won’t find yourself after marriage.

People are told that marriage is what makes them complete but the truth is nothing can complete someone but themselves, their experiences, their passions, their hearts, their intelligence and their strength.