Desire, Despair

It was really devastating to know that my ex-client and my friend thereafter has passed on. He was so young to leave us. He was among the most kind-hearted friends that I ever knew.

After I learnt his passing, I have this thought once again that life is indeed short and sometimes it is unpredictable. You may never know that today is your final and tomorrow never comes.

Someday you will be on the deathbed and recalling those defining moments in your life. You will jump into conclusion to define your life in just few words. If you given a choice, how would you define your life in few adjectives?

"Desire" and "despair" to sum up my life. Sounds pathetic right?

I'm not being pathetic but just being honest to myself. I never see myself as a happy person, mere contented but not happy, slightly emo.

Maybe I'm shallowed to be influenced by social media postings. My friends seem so very happy with their pictures. Be it to be physical materials, family, lover, romance - it seems that they have it all. But not for me, everything is like out of reach. The things I desire  will always remain in desire realm. Sometimes work hard to achieve is not enough, it depends to your luck and fate sometimes.

How would you feel if people around you are ahead of you and somehow outdo you? Aside from despair, you would feel that you are undeserving. In the end, when you are undeserving, you just pass the dull days without any aims nor any desires.

Aside from despair, the other adjective to sum up my life is "disappointment". I always envisage that people are kind and loving. But as you grow up older, you will realize that society functions on beauty, the extensiveness and level of belongings and power. If you don't have these mentioned elements, you don't expect to be valued. It sounds ugly but that's the fact. What happen to those who don't have those elements?  Undervalued, so they would just wander at the pavement. Sometimes you don't even deserve to wander at the pavement.

Before I end my note, here's my two cent. We should never expect, never demand and never assume. We should know our limits, know where to stand and know our role. Please don't get jealous and paranoid. Just go with the flow and stay happy. Good night.