Does it matter?

I do believe I failed you, I know I've let you down...don't you know I tried so hard to love you in my way.

It's easy let it go

I'm empty since you left me,trying to find a way to carry on...I search myself and everyone to see where we went wrong.

There's no one left to finger, to blame and to talk to and there ain't no one to buy our innocence

I thought that we could make it but I know I can't change the way you feel

I leave you with your misery,

I pull you from your tower, I take away your pain and show you all the beauty you possess if you'd only let yourself believe that.

What? You're Gay?

You know it's really exciting everytime i open up and confess that I'm gay to my friends or whosoever. Who am i kidding? I guess needless for me to tell everyone I'm gay. It's so obvious that the word GAY is written on my forehead.

Anyhoo, what is the first reaction when you tell your friends that you're gay or what is the first thing they will say when they know that you're living in an alternative lifestyle? My case is pretty fascinating actually, let me share with you some of the reactions I received thus far:

Are you Top or Bottom?
This is a very common question that they will pop up. I guess you share the same sentiment with me right? I always play it safe and tell them I'm versatile, I'm good in both ways. And they will like "Save it, you're fuckin bottom". Seriously, I'm versatile!

It's rather ludicrous that in the eyes of a straight man/woman, sex is most important element for gay folks. Really, they categorize us according to our sexual position. I was wondering it would be okay if I asked those straight men/women; you perform penile penetration or you get penetrated? lol

Do you have a partner? How many ex(s) you have?

Yes, i do have a partner currently and he is my 45th partner. Yes, you can call me primadonna. Pity those gay folks - those straight people are so concerned about us that we couldn't live on our own..tsk tsk tsk...


When did you realize that you're gay? 

This question is bit tricky coz they wouldn't believe me that I'm naturally born gay. I know some gay folks become who they are today driven by the heartbreaks by the ex-girlfriends but ain't for me. Being gay for me is a gift and i'm very proud of it. I'm that special.

When did you come out from the closet?

Do we look like Narnia kids to you? Seriously, we don't live in the closet, we live comfortably in a place called house/home. It's really unfair that being yourself is labelled 'out from the closet' - what about those straight men? "Hey, i'm straight, i just came out from the closet too! yay!" and why this line sounds strange to you?

Do your parents know?

I really do envy my friends that their parents know about it and they even bring  their partner back home to meet the parents. My parents don't know about it though i believe they are suspecting. But oh well, it's still my dirty little secret since i'm not ready yet.

Dare You to Move

Now I'm little bit regret for posting my new profile photo in Facebook. Everyone commented that I'm fat. Well, i do admit that I've gained weight on my face and my tummy but other parts of my body still remain the same okay.

I know fatso has no room for the gay community but i don't really care coz there is someone who loves for who i am. But then again, i should not take my size for granted as fat is ain't good for health. I should make more movement as in more exercise or gym (though I've been saying this for past years) to get my body in a good shape.

Not only exercise, i think i should make more movements in other areas of my life - i think my life lately (or past few years) has been stagnant and it's rather a routine for me. So mundane!

Don't get me wrong, my relationship with my baby boo is fine, he is not the reason for my mundane life - matter of fact he is the reason for my happiness. Just that  my relationship needs to be spiced up a little - relationship can't be a routine, otherwise it will be lethal. I'm really amazed how people could stay in relationship for so long. Just last weekend, I attended my both ex-classmates' wedding - my gosh, they had been in courtship for 10 years ever since high school and seeing them walking down the aisle - it was just awwww....

Relationship is one area of my life (which i hope it will have an happily ever after - really wish i could invite you to the very first gay wedding in your entire life), there other areas of my life that i believe need a leap or a little push particularly in career. Don't speculate; when the time comes, it will be and July is my favourite month :)

Really, complacent is my favourite word and it's also my obstruction. I get satisfied easily which deters me to get a little further or take the challenges to break every norm of me. I really should take the plunge to see whether it's a solid ground below or a hand to hold..

Before i end my post, since it's World Cup fever (my mother would be very proud of me for talking about football -for once, my son is straight!! It's a miracle!! My son is watching football!) , my favourite team is Netherlands but i do hope France will win :P. For the record, i watch footballers not football.

Bicycle

You have dedicated your whole life, maybe I was too oblivious to know the lengths that you would go. You have showed not a word of love to me but i know you really did.

Reminiscing that trip we had long time ago as we rode our bicycle - i held you tightly as we go. Every time I think of that day, all my troubles just fade away. If i can stay there and rest on your shoulder, I will stay for sure. But as I grow older, nothing much to say on that faithful day but trust me no one can take that day away. And no matter how cruel this world gets as long as I have that faithful
day, it gives so much encouragement to ride the path of life.

Happy Father's Day.

Bad Romance Indeed

Trust me, when it comes to romance, i think I'll be the bottom two in the list since i'm nowhere to be a romantic person.

I actually do admire my friends who could give an abundance of romantic moments to their partners. Unlike me, so mundane - dinner, movie or just spend the night watching The Simpsons marathon. Or the best i could do is hide those little gifts and let him discover it in a unsuspecting manner. Really, i think my relationship need romance to spice up a bit.

Maybe i should buy him flower? A box of chocolate? Or maybe a candle-lit dinner? Or doing some origami which i suck at it?

Talking about origami, my close friend's partner just did origami-roses for him - it was really sweet but no way im gonna learn origami, i don't even know how to fold a paper plane!

Romance for me is quite diverse actually. Aside from shouting "Ride me like a horse"on the bed Spending the holiday in Disneyland, listening to the oldies, having good food in a quiet restaurant with nice ambiance, watching the planes taking off and landing or do something that could reminisce my childhood will be good enough to call it "romance".

You see, one good thing about my partner is that he believes that physical gifts does not define romance but the quality time spent together matters the most for both of us.

But still i think i need something to spice up before our relationship becomes a routine.

Well, i thought of vacation with him but he's rather busy so can't go far - so i thought of some beaches in Malaysia but it's a big no since as he claims that it's hot and the sand could go to his eyes. Seriously, aside from beaches, I can't think of any romantic escapade. And I'm very lazy to drive.

Bad romance indeed huh? Nevertheless, bad romance or good romance, nothing gonna change my love for him.

Shades of Grey

I could be emo easily and sometimes for no valid reasons. Fatigue, noise or even displeasing food could drive me to emo-ness.

I guess the major factor of me being emo is in the state of uncertainty - as in i don't know what to do. It sucks to live in shades of grey. Ahead seems so misty and gloomy. That's me, never be an optismitic person - worried too much of what ahead of me.

Really, I'm not that young anymore and i could not afford to loitering around without solidifying my future. Just hate the word 'future' - it's really burden and helluva effort to please the future. What to do? We are plain sucker for the word 'future' - just deal with it. But i know have a little faith in Him for the future with unconditional and clear blue skies.

On lighter note, my relationship with my partner has past 100 days and counting. I never knew we could last that long - i thought the relationship would merely last for one month lol. Kudos and sorry to him as he has to endure an emo partner. I'm sorry for taking you for granted but you know my foolish heart would never meant it. I'm trying my best to give you what you deserve and in fact you deserve the best and the most.  I wanted to tell you that wherever I am, whatever happens, I'll always think of you and the time we spent together is my happiest time. I'd do it all over again if i had the chance, no regrets.

Like this song goes, no matter which 100th day, i still have feeling for you.

 

Call me Fatso

Ok, I've to admit now that I've gained weight significantly. It's pretty obvious that my face is getting rounder and my tummy is like a winter melon now.

I'm wondering what my life would be if i were a fatso?

I have a strong feeling that my self-esteem will be the hardest hit. Come on, I'm such a vain person, definitely I will be very sensitive on how people view me - I can't take any criticism of any inch of my body. There will be no more nice clothes for me. Talking about this, to be honest, lately I have slight problems to fit in my shirts and pants. Aside from breathing difficulty, I feel like I'm a Hulk that rip the shirt/pant off easily. Green Hulk is too straight - maybe a Pink Hulk.

What you want me to do? I've been living sedentary lifestyle for my entire life and I'm kinda homophobic to step into gym and i love to eat! I've been eating moderately but the things that I consume is either fried or laden with sugar or combination of both. It's true, all the sumptuous food in the world is not that health-friendly and it's simply irresistible!! Come on, eating is the greatest pleasure aside from sex and sleeping - it's like orgasm on my taste buds.

On another note, i really feel pity for those gay folks who have a pleasant look and sizzling body but they still feel insecure. I came across this dude who posted his shirtless pix and his caption stated "why no handsome people want to be friend with me?" (though he garnered more than 300 likes for that picture) - Shallow-minded ain't he? Seriously, if people befriended you for your look or your body, they are not you friends - they are just opportunists to use you to make themselves noticeable by others.

I don't deny that nice body is an asset to build self-confidence but outer layer is not the absolute way to build self-confidence. Thought it sounds cliche but the beauty and self-confidence are really come from within. You wouldn't eat a shrimp based on the taste of its outer layer shell right? You have to peel the shell off to get the true taste of a shrimp (see I'm talking about food again). Talking about shrimps, don't you think most of the hot gay guys you see out there are like shrimps - got body but no brain lol....

So before i end my note, if i ever turn fat, I wonder my baby boo
still sings this song to me?