Back To December

As the December wind blows outside and as the children choir sings the evergreen caroles serenading the joyful people, everyone is so happy like God put a smile on their faces except for me.

Cause I miss you.

What a way to start my post. Yes, though I miss someone but not to the extend until depression. However, I've got the feeling that emotional breakdown will be visiting me soon as Christmas is drawing closer.

I used to love Christmas very much but it seems it's meaningless for this year. Maybe I'm really too preoccupied with my work or maybe I know that I won't get what I want for Christmas so why bother.

Until now I still don't have any date for Christmas' Eve. Come to think of it most of my friends are attached so I don't think that they have the slightest concern for me. Not complaining coz Yuletide is very significant, so it will be ideal to celebrate with your loved one.

So if you are reading this blog, please date me on 24/12. I won't bite but I'm

just a little bit of Taylor Swift. If you ever break my heart, I will write you a song. 

Please ignore the paragraph above. 

Christmas is very significant for me, so I'll keep it for a very significant person.

If you are close to me, you will know who is that significant person. I know it won't be happening coz things have changed. He wouldn't care about me anymore.

So I'm all alone writing this lonely blog for lonely souls out there. 

Since I won't have that significant person for this Christmas, so Santa, there's only one wish from me; can I have  your naughty boys list?

Girl On Fire!

I never thought that i would had the chance to watch Alicia Keys singing If I Ain't Got You right in front of me. Yes, i bought the ticket for Alicia Key's Set The World On Fire World Tour in Kuala Lumpur.

Although initially, it was a terrible experience for this concert. Coz i was at Kesas Highway's junction to Stadium Bukit Jalil and my gosh, the jam was so terrible - so terrible until it consumed me an hour to get into the car park. I was pretty sure that the parking was managed by dumbasses coz they only opened two gates for the car park. Come on, you were expecting thousand upon thousand of Alicia Keys' fans and they only opened only two gates?! Gotta be ludicrous.

Anyway, back to the concert and my God, i know she is pretty but i never knew she is that pretty in person! I don't want to blog so much about her concert as i'm pretty sure you can read the news in the mainstream media. The concert was superb and i never will ever forget the moment when the whole audience sang the Fallin' with her - she just brought the house down!

Some of my friends were surprised that i forked out money to purchase her ticket. Normally, i would wait for free tickets) but for Alicia Keys was exceptional case. I have been fan of hers since her debut single Fallin' back when i was Form 3.

This mother of one could sing and her songs, can't deny it, simply marvelous. Aside from her talent in singing, one thing that makes me adore her so much is that she writes very well and so profoundly. I have to admit this, when I'm emo (as always), i would listen to her songs and it gives me so much inspiration to write so much in this very pathetic blog of mine.

I guess she already melted your heart with the evergreen If I Ain't Got You. To share with you, the guy in front of me at the concert, just bought the ticket to see her perform this song live. This proves how beautiful this song is.

I guess most of us will be oblivious the content lyric of her songs as we would be carried away by her music itself. Let me share with you, few of the lines from her songs that simply make me awed:

"I know some people search the world to find something like what we have, i know people will try, try to divide something so real, so till the end of time, i'm telling you that in the world; no one"  - No One

"Anybody could have told you right from the start it's 'bout to fall apart, so rather than hold on to a broken dream, I'll just hold on to love. And I can find a way to make it, don't hold on too tight, I'll make it without you tonight" - Sleeping With A Broken Heart 

"All the king's horses and all the king's men; they came marching through, they offered the world just to have what we got, but i found the world in you" - Not Even The King

"Careful with your ego, he's the one that we should blame had to grab my heart back, God knows something had to change, i thought you'd be happy, i found the one thing i need. Why you mad? It's just a brand new kinda me" -  Brand New Me

"When I'm breaking down and i can't be found. As i started to get weak, cause no one knows me underneath these clothes but i can fly" -  Superwoman

"Some people think that the physical things define what's within" If I Ain't Got You

Bring the curtain down

Some said that world is a stage and each must play a part.

Single people like me and people around me are taken away by their relationship, I wonder what kinda part I could play at the stage.

There is no role that I could play on the stage as I don't even have a companion to act with. All I can do is be an audience on the floor and watch the performance of those lovely couples at the stage. Applause will be heard if they could end the play with a happily ever after ending. Or I would be a tearjerker to watch the relationship falling apart?

I'm not the director so I wouldn't have a clue. Like the cliche says "just enjoy the show".

I know the people in front, left, right and behind would leave the audience seats. One by one they will walk up to the stage to do the play. And I would be a loner in the audience still. 

As the audience is bare with emptiness, I would ask myself when I would be ready to take lead role and stage a spectacular performance.

If that one fine day ever arrived, i know fate had playing in love you as my sweetheart. Act one was when we first met, I loved you at first glance. You read your line so cleverly and never missed the cue. 

Then came act two, you seemed to change and you acted strange and why I'll never know. 

You lied when you told me I was precious    to you and I had no cause to doubt you. But I'd rather hearing your lies than go on living without you.

Now the stage is bare and I'm standing here all alone and if you don't come back to me, then I'll bring the curtain down. 

The green display of affection

Every time I look at those public display of affection in Facebook - I would ask myself "Alvin, when is your turn?"

Not near future of course. I gotta admit it that I do get envy sometimes whenever I come across those affection. Am I that low and bad quality to have someone just to have slightest taste of affection? 

Maybe due to peer pressure, I feel low confidence sometimes. I'm not good looking or I have hard rock solid sexy body; I don't even stand a chance in this gay market. But being say that, I'm choosy as well. Honestly,I would like someone who is a brainer instead of those typical faggot you find on the street or those gay people who are so poor, what they have is only their bodies. Like those shrimps, nice succulent body but without brain.

Ok, back to the topic: public display of affection is out of topic for gay in the actual public sphere what I mean is virtually in Facebook. 

I know happiness is to be shared but those affection could turn people's eyes green eventually. Who knows someone is jealous about your relationship that goes so well and intimate until it irks him to ruin your relationship. Anything could happen.

And of course, gay community in Malaysia is rather small, so everyone knows each other. You might never know your best friend's boyfriend is the guy you slept with before - it might happen.  

So why declare to the public on who is your another half. The more public see the affection in Facebook, the more attention it garners and the more gossips that follow. I don't rule out that the gossips are the reason of relationship breakdown.

It's true; let's make a scenario here: your partner is highly popular in the scene; so everyone in gay community scrutinizes every move you guys make. Once there is a little small issue in your relationship, everyone will take notice and talk about it. Inevitably, some feedback could add another blow to the issue which in the end the issue has gone out of proportion then break up in the end.

So kids, stay low ya? 

Btw, this entry is meant for gay folks, not straight.

Lingua Problemo

Do you believe the clash of culture between Chinese educated people and English/national school educated people?

Yes, somewhat for me. I have plenty of Chinese educated friends and I could click with them very well. Let's narrow the topic to those very Chinese educated people who could barely or uncomfortable converse in other language aside for their mother tongue.

Let's narrow it further to dating to a person who has different type of education background with you.

Since I was English educated ( if you know me well, you would know what sort of school I came from) let's talk about a banana guy like me dating a very Chinese educated person. I wouldn't mind actually if the person treats me kind and he could always lend his hand whenever I'm in the difficulty in coming across a Chinese written article. Or maybe he could teach me in familiarizing some basic Chinese characters.

They always envy us on our great command of English but I do envy them that they could read Chinese.

But along the way, problems tend to arise as different kind of mindset. This is proven from my failed relationships with my previous lovers. Sometimes, I don't know what they were thinking.

The most challenging issue here was communication as I would express my critical issues in English but since my ex was more comfortable with Chinese so I had no choice to translate my thoughts in Chinese until came to a point I was lazy to express everything in Chinese so let it be and this definitely strained the relationship. 

 

Somehow their mindset is rather practical  and reserved. On contrary, English educated people is rather dare devil with wild and free ideas. So it was rather sad that my relationship with my exes was ended up in heated arguments since they couldn't understand what I was really thinking.

Nevertheless, friendship and love doesn't confined to language barrier or education barrier. My statement above is just based on my experience and it is very subjective to tell whether right or wrong. 

Got the look but..

Every time I post selfies in my Facebook, I hardly can get more than 10 likes.

Not complaining nor upset neither coz I do accept the fact that I'm not handsome but at least I feel confident about my outlook. Like what I always say "the beauty lies within".

Okay, so how would you feel if you had a face which carved by angel?

Well, of course you feel great coz you will be like a blue chip in the gay market. Look, gay community is real, they only go for the look. If have the look, the world revolves around you.

However, as I've been in this community for ages, good look doesn't mean everything.

Some good looking people are pretty bimbo actually. I don't want to use the term dumb ass as it will be too mean. Name no mention, just check out those hunk themed competitions. Not all of them are dimwitted but if they were, you would have a great laugh mesmerizing how they answer the questions.

Some good looking people are also surviving on their look but have nothing within. Yes, they will go all sort of stuff to maintain the beauty on the surface. So their level of confidence is built upon the surface on their skin and not within.

Let me share with you of my experience: i was organizing a nationwide mr cool search, so this gay guy who was acquaintance of mine got shortlisted. However, he chicken out last minute because he didn't have the confidence to be in a public sphere and compete with others.What stunned me was he could remove his shirt and took shirtless selfie in the Facebook with hundreds of likes but when i provided him a platform to showcase his look, he was a chicken and  quit eventually. Sad right? Virtually gaining manifestation from other people for his outlook but when it comes to real and actual platform, he lost his balls.

The more I blog, the meaner I am so I finish up this entry with a finale: overconfidence people. I don't want to judge one's look so make an assumption here that guy I'm referring looks normal. And my god, although he has a decent look but he positions himself as a very sort after guy in the market. Seriously, even if very sort after, please be polite and humble one unlike this: 

Sweet O Success

Failures and regrets; I have a few but then again, too few to mention. But yet, I do have an accolade of achievements that I really proud of. 

During school days; for most of us, I believe the achievements and success stories would be like scoring straight As, getting top in the class and won some competitions. Academically, well, I wasn't the dumbest person in the class, I scored pretty well ok? Achieving academic result was a piece of cake.

As you enter the battlefield of working   environment, achievement and success stories are rather difficult to be written since it's a real world. There's a Chinese saying "it takes three years to yield three minutes of fame on the stage". That saying simply testifies the amount of effort and dedication before you reap what you sow in your work.

Well, I do feel proud of my work so far, be it in my old agency or new agency. Sometimes I couldn't expect myself that I could produce that successful results. It is a great humility indeed.

However, every time I did a great job, at the end of the day, I would feel emotional about it. I felt like that I need to break the news to someone and share the joy and celebrate about it. I wanted to share it in FB but I refuse to coz hardly people know what Public Relations is all about. And I didn't want to create attention in Facebook.

Strange right? I should be happy and proud. My pride will be written in my cv but the hidden joy is the main issue here.I don't know how to express it nor I know how to share it. 

I hope I won't be a drifter. But I won't be satisfied every key results that I have achieved. As the achievement is attained, it is my natural instinct to raise the bar even higher to achieve even higher result. That's why it's hard to be little Alvin coz I never satisfied.