Do You Remember Mid Autumn Festival?

I still could recall that when i was small i would be the happiest kid on earth for tonight. Mid Autumn/Mooncake Festival was the only time of the year that i could play with fire, candles and lanterns. I still could recall that I had a bee figure lantern and of course those traditional paper lanterns. I would lit up the entire porch with candles for several nights approaching Mid Autumn Festival.

But as we grew up, the significant and the joy of Mid Autumn Festival was slowly fading away. I think most of us just have a  special and simpledinner and have mooncake just to mark the occasion. That's it. It's not fun anymore.

It sucks to be adult right?  Things are so complicated and so difficult when you're gradually aging. There is no more simplicity anymore and we tend to see things in a spectacle which has deviated our sight to see  things in a more complicated manner. Simplicity doesn't exist anymore when we grow.

How ironic right, when we were kids, we couldn't wait to be adults and do the things the adults do. But adulthood is not fun as what we envisaged. It is filled with stress, worries and uncertainties.

 Back to our childhood, we were carefree, happy and we dreamed big. Even a paperplane could fly you around the world. Even a toy gun could kill all the bad guys. And you could even build a imaginative living city with Lego blocks. Our dreams and imaginations were limitless.

But back to adulthood, we do not dare to dream big because we know our limits and we are so afraid to lose. And the world is not that innocent anymore, it's real and it's live or die.

Since tonight is Mid Autumn Festival, i should take a step back from this real world. Let me end my entry tonight with my late grandfather's favourite poem, my mom's favourite song and of course, my everlasting legend singing this beautiful song with her beautiful voice to serenade the beautiful moon-lit night:

Everyday It's a Winding Road

So last long weekend was a rather heartwarming  weekend actually. Heartwarming because my brother brought his girlfriend back to Ipoh - not only meeting my parents but my grandparents as well. At least this time looks promising and hopefully there will be a joyful culmination in the end. My grandparents are very old, time is always a challenge for both them to see their eldest grandson to walk down the aisle. 

Walking down the aisle, it is just a few steps of walk but it takes a great courage and lifetime to make that few steps. Maybe i'm too naive but i always have this perception that the man has to be very successful as in financial stable and has a advanced career to marry a girl. A man shouldn't let his wife to endure frugal kinda life. 

So it literally hits me when my friends are married and some of them even have kids. Look at me, i don't have an admirable career (unlike my ex-classmates who are now doctors, dentists and i even stuck in this job) and I'm not that happy-go-lucky I used to be anymore.Well, i tried to clap my hands like a room without a roof but it always led me back to this long and winding road. 

Ain't know why my childhood brings so many happy memories. The ice cream truck, playing firecrackers, playing swing-swing at playground, Christmas, cycled around my neighbourhood, petting the cats, watching Cartoon Network,playing Nintendo with my brother, even strolling at the park could make me so happy back then. Simple things could bring so many fond memories. Does growing up mean giving up everything that makes you happy? 

I'm a grown up man now but only few happy memories I could recall like meeting Mickey Mouse for the first time, setting up Christmas tree in my room, romantic getaways....i better stop here or else i'll be interrogated by someone.

But really, sometimes i wish i could give up everything and leave the world behind. Maybe when it hits 100 then it will be it....

It's 57

Here comes 31st August. Some of us will value this day so much coz we can sleep a little longer.

I admit that I'm some of them but I won't forget the true meaning of this day.

Every national day, all my learnings on history during my high school time just keep in flashing in my mind. From the proud Malacca sultanate to Portuguese ooccupation, from the atrocities of Japanese forces to the insurgence of communism. And the final chapter, the independence of Malaya and followed by the valuable efforts to build this country.

Nevertheless, a history book is not a defining tool to learn about Malaysia. You have to be a Malaysian to know about Malaysia. Its values, its cultures and its heritage are too vast for one to adopt.

Indeed, one of our admirable traits is that we cherish our Multi-racial cultures very much. And we respect our differences. These differences bond us even stronger. 

I know times is rather tougher this year but together we will make it through.

Happy 57th Merdeka.

Stuck In a Moment

It is a heavy period, i would say. My aunt passed away late last month, one of my favourite actors hung himself last week and today, i learnt that acquaintance of mine had passed away. How much more do i need to bear?

You see, every juncture of our lives, we will stop once in awhile and ponder the purpose of life. Such a cliche question but i believe most of the people are still struggling to find the answer. There's no definite answer for that, it really depends on how you view your life.

Life could be a beautiful thing and a bed of roses. You know, having heartwarming family, having those pampering times with your children or even watching your partner grows old. Or you can be more realistic by having all the materials in the world.

However, above is just the bright side of our lives.Roses come with thorns too. You are very lucky to live in happy and contended life whereas others are still wandering around on the sidewalk living in the dark and walking aimlessly.

I was wondering where all those sad, depressed and lonely people come from? Were they fated to lead such a undeserving life? Or the society lead him into such way? Or they are too weak and faithless to face failures and resentments?

Sometimes I really wish i could be a cat - so everytime i fall, i could always land on my feet. Sometimes I also really wish that i could be Willy Wonka and owns a Chocolate Factory. I know i daydream a lot but fantasy and dream can make you go far while reality is just one sick brief moment that just to pass-by.

Light up, Light up

My dreams lately have been kind to me. No more nightmares but sweetdreams lullaby me recently. I know it may sound silly but i dreamed that i was travelling in London, Berlin (God knows why), New York and Paris. The dreams were so surreal that I could feel the excitement. But alas, I don't know which part of my lifetime i would have the chance to have an escapade in those mentioned places.

It sucks to wake up and face the reality. Reality can be beautiful sometimes but most of the time, it shows its ugly true colours. My reality is not something that i would proud of or be happy about it. It seems that all the stars that illuminated my darkest nights had faded away.

I don't even know how to light up. I have lost the sparkles in my life. I have lost the glow in my life. My life is rather soulless for me recently. It's like no purpose to drive my life. I'm just letting my life passes me by.

They say being gay supposed to be colourful but this is not the case for me. I don't have sizzling body to wear those tits-showing singlets. Though i'm proud to be gay but there were times i felt so ashamed about it because they are bunch of shrimps with nice body but without any brain. And even with nice body, they would become whores to showcase their bodies in Facebook as if they're inviting sluts out there to put their money into the former's underpants. Aren't beauty things don't seek attention?

Live and Let Die

He was a genie, a nanny, a radio deejay, a hunter, Popeye, Peter Pan, a robot, a doctor, a penguin, President of USA and the list goes on and most of all, he was a comedian who never failed to give us laughter on the silver screen. But on Monday, our laughter poked by this comedian had turned to sorrow.

I believe you and I were devastated that Robin Williams has passed on. I guess it's safe to say that we watched at least one of his movies in our lives. I came to know about this actor when my mom bought me a VHS tape Jumanji when i was like eight years old and  Robin Williams was an epitome of comedy movies for me ever since.

Never knew behind the man who gave us the heart-warming joy and laughter was a man who had been suffering from depression. He didn't kill himself, depression killed him.

How you gonna diagnosis whether a person is suffering from depression? What are the differences between sadness and depression? Fate dictates us that there are times that sadness will occur in our lives but don't let sadness to overwhelm us.

I know life sucks most of the time. Hopelessness, worthlessness and restlessness are the demons that drive everyone into sadness or depression in this case. I have to admit that I don't see the world as beautiful as it's promised to be sometimes. I see the world as a dark and hopeless place to live.Really, everytime i scroll down my Facebook, i would envy those who post those pictures which they look so happy and so complacent. What about me? I will question myself why i could not have that happiness. Is it fated for me that i will lead a long and winding road kinda life or am i too blind to appreciate all that i have?

But life goes on, i have to move on with my life. Life is really short, so don't waste my time to compare with others. And don't waste your time doing things that you don't like. It will be a very
sad ending when you're on the deathbed and recalling the things that you didn't like but you did it. Live and let die.

Let me end my entry with this quote from Robin Williams:

“You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.”

Farewell, Mr. Williams and thank you.

The Precious Blessing

I just realized that my buddy has been living with his partner for months and best of all his partner's parents gave their blessing to my buddy relationship. 

How wonderful it is. They could enjoy relationship freely in their parents' eyes without any need to pretend and without any need to make the relationship underground. And it is really wonderful that his partner's parents could be proud and happy for their son's relationship.

Tough luck for me as I don't think I have that kinda blessing. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who is seeking the precious blessing. I'm pretty sure you too.

You see this gay thingy is still a taboo in our modern society. The greatest  pressure for a gay relationship is hide from your family members or if leaks out, it's even tougher when your family members never give their blessing and despise it instead.

I always believe that one's relationship is a very private thing-a situation which a world shared by two individuals and it's not an obligation to explain and to report  to anyone. 

But when it comes to family especially your parents, come on, you can't hide from them right. They will start interrogate why you are very close with that particular friend of yours.

Sometimes I really wish to go two steps ahead to my mom. Skip the 'gay confession' part and straight to point to her 'mom, this is my partner'. 

I wonder how she will react. Will I shock her til raising her blood pressure sky high or she will accept it nonchalantly like "oh wow".

I think most likely she will like "seriously? Stop joking. Why him?"

I don't know when I will come clean with my mom coz sometimes I feel like not nice of hiding since I'm her son. And by that confession, I hope she will accept my partner coz he is worthy to be recognized. 

On contrary, if I ever beg blessing from his family, I guess I'll be on my knees crying and begging and singing this song: 

Can I have your daughter for the rest of my life?

Say yes, say yes 'cause I need to know

You say I'll never get your blessing 'til the day I die

Tough luck, my friend, but the answer is 'No'