Lose Myself

Have you ever felt that you just wanted to continue to sleep without waking up?

Not being lazy per say, but I have been experiencing sleep paralysis lately. I'm not sure it's the correct term but sometimes I really struggle to wake up but I couldn't though I'm well aware that I'm in a deep sleep. My whole body becomes paralysis. I know it sounds like the movie Inception but my struggle is real.

What if I gave up my struggle to wake up, would I be death in my sleep? Is this another way of committing suicide?

Feeling hopelessness or no reason to live, feeling trapped or in unbearable pain, acting anxious or agitated, withdrawn or isolated - these are some of symptoms for people who have suicide tendency. To be honest, I have these symptoms. 

The world used to be colorful for me with much hope and happiness. But not lately, I see my world as a bitter winter without any sign of living in my sight. 

I feel hopeless without any reasons for me being existing on this Earth. Yes, there's not a single value in me for myself and for people around me.

I feel lost without any sign of direction.  I could not find any meaning for me to wake up everyday. Everyday of my life is like a template - repeat, repeat and repeat. 

I miss the old me actually. It was so fun to be an old me. So many laughter with so many friends around me.

I wonder those laughter gone. I guess the  laughter are suppressed with my worries and uncertainties in me. 

My friends-well, I believe that they have their own lives to lead and they are leading a happy life indeed. I shouldn't bother them and disrupt their state of contentment.

I hope they see me good though I always wonder how they think of me. Strong and happy go lucky? That's not the case actually, I'm weak and I'm not happy most of the time. Maybe I'm always acting strong in front of them so they have this thought that Alvin is fine. Sometimes, I wish they could know that Alvin is dying inside. 

I do get envy sometimes that they lead a happy life. I do get even more envy when I see them doing the things that I have been longing for. Maybe our fates are different, they are slight luckier than me. Or maybe I don't deserve all that. I should learn to be contented. 

Get a lover, Alvin.

I'm not sure is the right time since I don't want that very person to share my burdens. I know one of the roles for being a bf is to share your partner's burden but not my case. 

And there is a person has left a benchmark in my life and that's why I can't find a new lover. I promise myself that the next lover has to reach the benchmark or above the benchmark. 

I know it is unfair but the person who left the benchmark had given me so much happiness and "love" that I could recall vividly until now. Without a doubt, he really taught me what kind of love and a person that I should have for my life partner. 

I know being gay is to have fun and filled your life with colours. Gay is fun but superficial at the same time. There's no value of being gay. The only value which matters is your body. The better physique of your body, the higher value you are. People will swarm you. 

On contrary, if you don't have body or cute face, you will be shun away. People will ignore you and don't even think you got a reply when you say hi. Ugly right? If you come across those people who have hot body but acting arrogant, always remember that you eat the shrimps for its bodies but not the heads because the heads taste awful.

Before I end my note, I always have faith in people especially people around me. So don't let me down.