New Malware Exceed All Other Cyber Menaces

I know it is highly unorthodox of my to blog about tech but this is serious.  

Kaspersky Lab announces the discovery of a highly sophisticated malicious program that is actively being used as a cyber weapon attacking entities in several countries. The complexity and functionality of the newly discovered malicious program exceed those of all other cyber menaces known to date.

Iran confirmed the virus has attacked computers of high-ranking officials. Figures by Kaspersky Lab also shows that the infections has been wide spread in Middle East with 189 attacks in Iran, 98 in West Bank, 32 in Sudan and 30 in Syria.

The malware was discovered by Kaspersky Lab’s experts during an investigation prompted by the International Telecommunication Union (ITU). The malicious program, detected as Worm.Win32.Flame by Kaspersky Lab’s security products, is designed to carry out cyber espionage. It can steal valuable information, including but not limited to computer display contents, information about targeted systems, stored files, contact data and even audio conversations.

The independent research was initiated by ITU and Kaspersky Lab after a series of incidents with another, still unknown, destructive malware program – codenamed Wiper – which deleted data on a number of computers in the Western Asia region. This particular malware is yet to be discovered, but during the analysis of these incidents, Kaspersky Lab’s experts, in coordination with ITU, came across a new type of malware, now known as Flame. Preliminary findings indicate that this malware has been “in the wild” for more than two years - since March 2010. Due to its extreme complexity, plus the targeted nature of the attacks, no security software detected it.

Although the features of Flame differ compared with those of previous notable cyber weapons such as Duqu and Stuxnet, the geography of attacks, use of specific software vulnerabilities, and the fact that only selected computers are being targeted all indicate that Flame belongs to the same category of super-cyberweapons. 

Commenting on uncovering Flame, Eugene Kaspersky, CEO and co-founder of Kaspersky Lab, said: “The risk of cyber warfare has been one of the most serious topics in the field of information security for several years now. Stuxnet and Duqu belonged to a single chain of attacks, which raised cyberwar-related concerns worldwide. The Flame malware looks to be another phase in this war, and it’s important to understand that such cyber weapons can easily be used against any country. Unlike with conventional warfare, the more developed countries are actually the most vulnerable in this case.”

The primary purpose of Flame appears to be cyber espionage, by stealing information from infected machines. Such information is then sent to a network of command-and-control servers located in many different parts of the world. The diverse nature of the stolen information, which can include documents, screenshots, audio recordings and interception of network traffic, makes it one of the most advanced and complete attack-toolkits ever discovered. The exact infection vector has still to be revealed, but it is already clear that Flame has the ability to replicate over a local network using several methods, including the same printer vulnerability and USB infection method exploited by Stuxnet.

Alexander Gostev, Chief Security Expert at Kaspersky Lab, commented: “The preliminary findings of the research, conducted upon an urgent request from ITU, confirm the highly targeted nature of this malicious program. One of the most alarming facts is that the Flame cyber-attack campaign is currently in its active phase, and its operator is consistently surveilling infected systems, collecting information and targeting new systems to accomplish its unknown goals.”

Kaspersky Lab’s experts are currently conducting deeper analysis of Flame. Over the coming days a series of blog posts will reveal more details of the new threat as they become known. For now what is known is that it consists of multiple modules and is made up of several megabytes of executable code in total - making it around 20 times larger than Stuxnet, meaning that analysing this cyber weapon requires a large team of top-tier security experts and reverse engineers with vast experience in the cyber defence field.

ITU will use the ITU-IMPACT network, consisting of 142 countries and several industry players, including Kaspersky Lab, to alert governments and the technical community about this cyber threat, and to expedite the technical analysis.

Further details can be found in the Flame FAQ prepared by Kaspersky Lab’s security researchers at Securelist.com.

Wide Open Spaces

Before I start my entry, I would like to convey my heartfelt gratitude to all my friends for their concerns over the passing of my grandma.

I had a very very long week last week. Barely had enough rest, I was in Kelantan on Monday followed by Pahang on Thursday for events in the east coast. Seriously, I just had like four hours of sleep just to catch the earliest flight. And God knows why KL airport were built so far away and travelling to airport back and forth was really really tiring. Had few hours of sleep, then running like a mad guy under the hot sun to coordinate the event then fly back to KL – I really wish there was someone at the arrival hall waiting for me and just drive me home. Nah, Alvin is independent enough.

Well, I was kind in the good mood to complete the east coast events without my boss following me as I prove myself I could handle event on my own and with my colleague, but never knew, my joy was overshadowed with the passing of my grandma the next day.

Honestly, until now, I still could not accept the fact that she has gone forever. All things happened like so fast. It is like another half of me has been taken away.

But the incidents last week have taught me a valuable lesson. In Chinese saying –“Tei hoi dit” (direct translation: see in wider scope); I think it’s time for me to be open up, don’t hold any qualms, cherish people around me and just be happy for myself for as long as I’m living on this earth.

I do admit my close friends are having hard time to please me for being a diva. Really, I’m very demanding person and sometimes my favour turns to request then eventually turns to demand-so my friends have to please me all the time. Sometimes my demands were beyond their capabilities. However, after conducting charity events at orphanage homes, I believe I have gone too far. You see,they are living without their parents and their shelter and their solace is the orphanage home. I believe most of the urban kids nowadays are equipped with ipad for their entertainment but looking at the orphans, the whole children need to share a set of tv for their entertainment. 

Indeed, they really taught not to demand so much. I should stop complaining and be contended for what I have as they are many people out there who are still struggling just to have basic needs in life.

I know i’m keeping whining about my so called relationship or the almost relationship. Seriously, it’s just love, no big deal right? I know when you have trouble relationship or you are dating with a jerk, there are two subsequent scenarios: either you kill yourself to make him feel regret for his whole life or you kill him so another jerk can be vanished from this earth.

Come on, just let it be. Don’t create any domestic violence. 

Really, we were raised with so much love by our parents then why we let someone mistreat us? Didn’t we waste our parents effort in raising us up? 

My grandma loved me to bits, so I don’t think I will disregard her love by letting anyone to hurt me or treat me as a trash. I hope for those who are reading this and you are mistreated, just dump him/her. You deserve better. Don’t disappoint your parents’ love for you.

After all these, I think I need a break for soul searching. Maybe I should take a long leave and travel alone. Yes, I always want to travel alone as it sounds sexy = P

I’m not sure the promised The Happiest Place on Earth trip is on or not, if it’s not on, it’s okay with me because whenever I feel anticipated to go there, I know it will end up in disaster.

I don’t really care much for relationship now as July is coming real soon = )

My grandma in sarong

“Ah Leen! Ah Leen!”

That’s how my grandmother used to call me with her strong powerful voice.

She didn’t know English, so Ah Leen was her version of pronunciation of Alvin.

During my very younger days, my mom would take me to grandmom’s place almost on daily basis, so I had my childhood moments at her place. I hope it is not illegal to say this but both my grandmom and mom loved play cards a lot, so they would have usual gathering with other aunties every weekday. While they were playing, I would either play with my aunty or play with the cats which straying inside the house(now you know why I love cats so much).

Sad to say, my innocent moments with my toys and cats would be interrupted with vulgar language in Teochew by my grandmom whenever she lost the chance to win. Come on, as if your grandmom didn’t swear…lol

Then, as evening approached, she would tie her sarong above her chest to cook for us. Just imagine the landlady in the KungFu Hussle but my grandmom case is in sarong. She would puff a cigarette as she tossed the wok. So you can imagine the special ingredient inside her dishes = P

I still could remember she would carry me in her right arm and holding a rattan basket on her left and walked to the wet market. I always wanted the toys selling there but seldom she would buy for me. So yeah, then I went back home to complain to my mom that grandma didn’t get me the toys that I wanted.

During my preteen, I was the chosen one to accompany her for eyes check ups when she had her eyesight problem. Whenever I held her quite flabby hands to walk up the staircase, she would constantly remind me “Ah Leen, I’m getting older. Please give your mom money when you start working!”

My grandma was impatient person, to be honest, she always nagged my mom – “Can you ask the doctor to be faster?!” “Can you stop talking and start the car?!”  “Have you got me the medicine?” “Why the medicine is so expensive?” Nah, not complaining in irritating way but rather in cute old lady way.

However, the loud “Ah Leen” calling was gradually soften as the time went by. The loud lady in sarong could no longer complaining as she lost her stamina and energy. Every time I pushed her in the wheelchair, I could no longer feel her flabby hands anymore – what was left was just skin and bones, my tiny hands was equivalent to her legs. Both my mom and me felt so heartache to see her health deteriorating as the days gone by.

“Vin, see and touch your grandma more often as you would not have that chance soon,” my mom reminded me as we were foretold that she would be gone anytime soon.

Last month, she was admitted to ICU ward as she was having difficulty to breathe. She was lucky to be admitted on time, or else, she would be gone. I managed to pay a visit - she was lay resting with just skin and bone on the sickbed – she didn’t recognize us anymore. She couldn’t eat. She spoke softly.

On 25^th May 2012, I received 10 missed calls from my mom. I returned my mom called – “Vin, grandma has passed on. Please come home”.

Though I could not hear her loud strong voice anymore but she will be deeply missed as my grandma in sarong.

“There let the way appear, steps unto heaven; all that thou sendest me, in mercy given; angels to beckon me”

Rest in peace grandma, I will take care of ma.

Umbrella Walkathon for World Lupus Day 2012

Persatuan SLE Malaysia (PSLEM) successfully raised public awareness of Systemic Lupus Erythematosus (SLE) when folks having their Sunday morning teh tarik were caught by surprise by the sight of more than 1,000 walkers with opened umbrellas weaving their way through the roads of Dataran Sunway in Kota Damansara, Petaling Jaya, today.

PSLEM’s Walk-a-Payung event, its fifth since 2007, was flagged off by State Assemblyman for Kota Damansara Dr Nasir Hashim at Tropicana Medical Centre and saw Lupus patients, their family members and friends, and the Kota Damansara community commemorating World Lupus Day this year by coming together to raise funds for needy patients who require joint replacement and cataract operations. Osteoporosis and cataracts are among the major side-effects resulting from the long term use of steroid medications to manage Lupus.

Besides the 3.7 km walk with umbrellas, there was a charity food and fun fair by SLE patients and their friends, lucky draws, a fun quiz on SLE, free checks for blood sugar, blood pressure, cataracts, and hearing disabilities; and a counseling booth manned by PSLEM’s para-counsellors.

Systemic Lupus Erythematosus (SLE), commonly known as Lupus, is a chronic, autoimmune disorder in which the patient’s body produces antibodies that may attack the patient’s skin, joints, kidneys, brain, and other organs. About 90% of SLE patients are women, the majority aged between 15 to 50 years of age, while men and children make up the remaining 10%.

Although more than 10,000 people have been diagnosed with SLE in Malaysia, the disease is still relatively unknown to the man-in-the-street. Besides this lack of public awareness, the disease is not easy to diagnose; this could take months, or even years depending on which organs are affected.

Due to this lack of public awareness, Lupus patients tend to feel alone and isolated in their suffering and are often in need of social and psychological support. This need was the main reason for a small group of patients and doctors coming together in 1994 to form PSLEM. Today, the association has grown in numbers to more than 2,600 members with chapters in Sandakan, Penang, Kuching and Johor. 

PSLEM President Assoc Prof Dr. Esha Das Gupta said that in 2007, the first Walk-a-Payung event raised funds to start off PSLEM’s free counseling services in major public hospitals where SLE patients receive treatment.  In 2008, the event raised money to launch off PSLEM’s SLE Fund, which provides financial assistance to needy patients who require joint replacement or cataract operations.  In the following year, PSLEM held its Walk-a-Payung event in Kuching, Sarawak to initiate a new patient support group there.

Next Sunday, May 27, PSLEM’s Johor Chapter will also be holding its own Walk-a-Payung event at Columbia Asia Hospital in Nusa Jaya, Johor to bring together patients and their family members. Those interested to join can contact Addaline at hp: 012-762 8002 to register for the walk.

“People suffering from Lupus face potential strokes, heart attacks, disabling pain and fatigue, disfiguring skin rashes, and other serious health problems associated with the disease.  The sad part is that Lupus targets people in the most productive years of their life, people who should otherwise be healthy.” Dr. Esha added.

Members of the public or corporations who would like to support the association can contact PSLEM’s Executive Secretary Ms Cecilia Wong at 03-79577672, e-mail: pslem@streamyx.com or pslemhq@gmail.com or visit the association’s website at www.lupusmalaysia.org. 

I'm your hell, I'm your dream

Sometimes the pains are just ain’t enough. Thought you recovered but  in fact, you didn’t. You still move on with your life with misery.

Actually, there are two schools of thoughts for this situation. Either you be the good innocent girl and continue to emo and praying hard that he will change and stop hurting you. Or be a bitch and fuck the hell of that person.

Seriously, karma takes too long. Do it right now and fuck the person right!

Have you ever asked yourself why we should be the one who gets hurt?  Why not we go out and be heartless and hurt all the people that interested in us?

Sounds nasty right? 

Really, I really wish I could get some advice from the heartbreakers on how to be a jerk.

Maybe I say too much, maybe just push him at the edge and watch him die. Seriously, it will be a wonderful scene if I could gather his ex(s) and watch him suffer.

Hmmp, physical pain won’t last long, I’m looking more on emotional pain that could break one’s heart since broken heart moves along with time.

How to break a heart?

I have been wasting my whole damn life to win one’s heart in which ensued by disasters.

Maybe I should get close with an innocent soul. Date him. Flirt with him.Treat him nice – you know to create a situation that almost relationship kinda relationship to make him feel as if he is so precious like he is the only guy in my whole damn world. So when he has fallen head over heels, just tell him “Sorry, I’m just mere flirting with you to past my time. Move on” …ouch, that’s hurt but I like it! - From precious honeypot to trash smelly garbage, how wonderful.

Alternatively, asking what are you doing or where are you has become a flirty norm conversation, then I gradually make my reply short and precise and eventually shoot him this -  “What I do is none of your business!” – in your face!

Now we are living in the age of FB, so we can break one’s heart via Facebook as well. How? Errm, maybe initially you always comment and be flirtatious religiously on his postings and gradually you stop commenting on his postings and heavily comment on other guys’ posting. Jealousy hurts sometimes.

Or should I break one’s promise that meant so much for that person. Really, just pretend that you are so into something that  he loves it so much but in the end you just break the promise “I can’t make it”….ouch

Enough say, just be Angelique in the Dark Shadow, curse the whole damn family for generations! Gosh, I love Eva Green so much in the movie!!!! Seeing her is like seeing myself…

P/S: Please don’t be so vain, this entry is not about you 

Disclaimer: I am a good girl, please don’t be misunderstood and no boys were harmed throughout this entry. Thank you

Cautious when love comes too close

Anyone of you have this so called relationship that you guys are really close (up to hold hands and well, need I say more?) until you believe that you and him will be together eventually but things couldn’t work out in the end? 

To say the least you, making a fool of yourself. 

Trust me, I was that fool for so many times, so need not to be shy to admit yourself that you are one of them.

You see, we were born with the natural talent to deceive ourselves. Really, when someone is so your type pops up in your life, definitely, you will fall head over heals with that very special someone. Every moment you spent together with him is like a fairy tale. Even slightest action of his will easily melt your heart. As your heart is melting so as your rationality. Your really don’t care that if that person is just mere flirting with you or he is serious to develop the relationship even further. Come on, you had the time of your life hanging out with him and you enjoy every bits of seconds of it, you don’t really bother whether he would give you a recognition or acknowledgment being a lover for what is matter the most at the moment is just have some fun.

Okay, I know it’s like a paradise that someone you are interested in is closer and closer to you. You believe that  you have found that someone. Even I have those moments. Honestly, I really do enjoy those moments with many people but my happiness is overshadowed by fear. As I’m afraid that sooner or later, I will lose him and lose all the moments with him. Like I say, enjoy while it last.

I guess it will be a dream comes true when that person takes you as his or her lover. What if not?

It can be painful or else you are very strong person and move on with your life. For my case, I rather feel angry. Angry until the fire in my heart reaches fever pitch.

You will be lost in the middle of nowhere when you lose that someone. You hate to learn that things have changed and aint the same like before. You keep checking your phone whenever your phone seems so quiet. You keep checking his last seen in Whats App. You try to make yourself available as you thought he would date you.  You try to lock up your heart and don’t let any others to get near you as you foolishly reserve that very spot in your heart just for him. You would take out your phone and flip the photos over and over again that you taken together and recall those moments together.

Ghost of worries will haunt you since you are so afraid he has someone else.

Sad right? 

You don’t hold any reservation or any hesitation when you are treating for those who you fell into. You don’t even ask anything in return as you believe it is all worth it. You believe that someday he will realize that there is a person who treats him so good, perhaps have a little try for a relationship. 

Wake up. The only return you have is a “jackass” label on your forehead.

P/S: You probably think this entry is all about you right? 

St.Michael's : Homecoming

For past seven years, I always wanted to make a trip back to my school, St. Michael’s Institution Ipoh  but didn’t have the chance to do so until my school opened up for the fun fair carnival in conjunction with the 100^th anniversary. 

Yes, I’m from St. Michael and I’m proud of it. I’m proud of its gothic building, I’m proud of its Michaelian spirit , I’m proud of its dedicated teachers, I’m proud of its drama play long history and I’m proud of every single aspect of this school.

Anyway, I wasn’t interested in the fun fair part as I was dead tired to walk under the sun thanks to the Bersih rally on the previous day in KL.

Anyhow, it was a gush of good old memories flooded my mind once I stepped on the ground of my school. I spent 13 years in this school and, indeed,  it was my second home during my younger days. 

Let me give you a short narration on my trip back to my school.

My daily morning assembly ground. More like bitching ground for me coz this is where the students would gather and had their morning chat before the bell rings.  I still could recall that during PE period, I would do my unfinished homework at the side here..erm, more like copying my friends’ work.

My badminton court aka after recess assembly ground. So this is where we got the scolding or even detention under the hot sun sometimes. The most behave class would line up in the shaded area = )

Hallway at mainblock. I kinda hate this hallway actually as I was the class monitor (humbly, I had been class monitor from Form 3 to Upper 6 consecutively) , and since my class was at the end of the block, so I had to walk a long long way to the staff room.

My class..i miss the girls to bits!

 Very rare you would find me at school library. I hate books! Not being bitchy but the library was bit stuffy back then, I’m not sure about now.

 It is also a very rare occasion you would find me at school canteen as well because I was and still a slow eater and 20 minutes is not enough for me to have a proper meal.

I also managed to catch up with my former teachers as well in this visit. Though they are aging but their dedication in teaching and guiding me will never age and always be remembered and cherished.

I do admit that I had this label as “Teachers’ Pet”. Well, I didn’t really care much about the label because I did pretty much to earn that favouritism from my teachers lol. Nah, maybe I was the monitor for so many years, so inevitably I would be in the preferred clan.

Seriously, when I met few of my former teachers, they remembered my face and they remembered that I was the class monitor. Gosh, it was heartwarming catching up with my teachers – to know the latest development and progress of the school, the students, the achievements– it was like a real homecoming.

Definitely, I will make myself available in July to attend the school drama. I’m not sure about the grand OMA dinner at school field in September as I still don’t have much info on it. The latest news I have is that the 200 tables are all sold out and they are adding another 100 tables in which more than 100 people are in the waiting list. Aiks!

All the best to my school in 100 years to come and the michaelian spirit never dies!

Sons of St. Michael’s Valiant and True!

The meaning of my life is she

It’s really ludicrous that my FB timeline is bombarded with Mother’s Day wishes and messages like I Love You, mom! Mother, you are the queen of my heart and etc – but the postings really make me wonder; how many mothers have a Facebook account to read those postings?

Anyway, one simple question for you in conjunction with Mother’s Day – How does your mother inspire you throughout your life?

For me, it’s a lot. But I wanna share with you the most recent and defining one.

I know when I broke up with my ex, the first person in my mind was my mother. Well, what she has been gone through was insurmountable and what she has been gone through has made her as a true superwoman. She simply augurs the saying: “You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice”

Initially, it was end of the world for me when the person I loved so much initiated his determined decision to just ditch me. The pain thereafter was more than I could bear. There was neither anticipation nor even hope for my path ahead. Amidst the hopelessness, I failed to realize there was one person around me that I should look up to.  

It was my mother. Aside from showering me with her dedicated and devoted love, she also shows me how to be tough.  I don't think any woman or even me could persevere like she does.

Through her inspiration, I realized that breaking up was just a small matter. She really teaches me how to be positive and optimistic to walk on the long and winding road that never guarantees lifetime happiness. Though she doesn’t have a Mona Lisa’s smile but her smile embodies strength, that strength which I would take a long time to exemplify. If I ever put her smile on my face, I think I wouldn’t be this weak right now.

Even it takes a lifetime, I know it couldn’t repay the amount of her sacrifices and her love to raise me through the rough and ready years. Her laughter and her tears are all my souvenirs that always keep in my heart.

Thank you. Happy Mother’s Day!

Ayam Brand Gives Underprivileged Children A Head Start

Ayam Brand, a household name in Malaysia for 120 years, famed for its wide range of nutritious, no added preservative and no added MSG canned food products is giving underprivileged children from across the nation a head start through its Convenient, Healthy & Nutritious Meals for Charity CSR campaign.

The campaign was launched with contributions to five charity homes from Perak region that was held at Praise Girls Home, here today.

Now in its fifth consecutive year, the Ayam Brand Charity CSR campaign will see contribution of its products sufficient for daily consumption over two months for all residents at 43 charity homes across ten regions in East & West Malaysia, providing more than 2,000 underprivileged children with convenient, healthy and nutritious meals. The yearly campaign is an integral part of Ayam Brand’s Corporate Social Responsibility program that has since its inception in 2008 benefitted more than 9,000 people from 158 charity organizations by providing them with convenient, healthy and nutritious meals.

The other recipients from the Perak region are Pusat Jagaan Yayasan Latihan Insan Istimewa, The Salvation Army Ipoh Children’s Home, The Salvation Army Ipoh Boy’s Home, and Praise Emmanuel Children’s Home who were on hand to receive the products that included Ayam Brand sardines, mackerel, tuna, baked beans, among others.

The brand will continue to mobilise the online community to participate in the Ayam Brand Community Care Campaign 2012 through social networking site Facebook with its ‘1 Like, 1 Can’ campaign that will see each new fan of the Ayam Brand fanpage increasing the brand’s contribution to the campaign by another can.

The finale of the Ayam Brand ‘Convenient, Nutritious & Healthy Meals for Charity’ CSR Campaign will be held at the Ayam Brand Cooking School at KidZania, the award-winning edutainment center targeted at children from 4 to 14 years at the Curve NX, Petaling Jaya. For more information on Ayam Brand, please visit www.ayambrand.com.my.

From priceless to worthless

What is the greatest pain in breaking up?

Betrayal? Disappointment? Anger? Or even lost?

I believe you who are reading this entry, the greatest pain in breaking up is that you realized things have changed and of course, someone that you used to know and used to love have changed. Things ain’t the same like before.

I guess it’s my bitching on my ex time lol, I just use him to elucidate this entry.

At our initial stage of our relationship, I was like the only man in the world. He used to pamper me, he used to text me to ask me where I am or what im doing, he would took me out for dinner, he gave me surprises (though I already knew the surprises but I had to play dumb), he gave his best care and attention to me. He loved me a lot until he addressed me as ‘baby’.

But as the relationship turned bitter, I was like a stranger for him. Our conversation became lesser followed by gradually reduced care and love. To make it short, I used to be a baby but after we broke up, I was just an acquaintance. 

I always feel that why people who  I used to love have the tendency to treat me as priceless in initial stage to worthless at the end. Am I that not worthy enough?

I have no idea whether it’s a curse or Alvin is meant to be mistreated. Though I’m bitchy and diva sometimes but I do think I treat people good especially the people that I really do love. So what I get in return? Those hurtful words that made me feel unworthy to exist on this earth. For example, I used to travel back to my hometown  Ipoh from KL every fortnight to meet my ex. Though love conquered all but it was really exhausting and my money gone to petrol and tol. You know what he said to me in the end?, “it’s really tiring to meet you every two weeks, I need to rest” 

Oh yeah and lately and God knows who, I was just politely asking for something in less than three words and I was replied by the word ‘fuck’ . I did not retaliate because I promised myself not to be rude though others were rude to me unless it reached the melting point. Trust me, when Alvin goes berserk, it’s really end of the world for you.

Hurtful? Well, a bit but I feel annoyed more because I treated them so well, I don’t deserve all this!

Who or what I am to you? Trash can on the road side?

Please don’t misjudge me as a demanding fag here. I don’t demand much in relationship. All I want is respect.

I always tell my friends who are attaching right now to cherish the relationship while it lasts. I know it sounds pessimistic but at least you would know you won’t fall into deep. Once the relationship is over, how you gonna get yourself out?

Like what my Katy Perry said:

The past is like a handful of dust it filters through your fingers disappearing little by little. I wish for one day I could go back and do things differently.

We tend to longing for the past, don’t we? 

I do because the past in certain timeline in my life brought me so much joy. But the moment of the happiness it’s like a handful of dust, it will gradually disappearing from your grip and one day you realize it’s all gone.

 I do see things in negative light. I always have this thought that the things and the people in front of me would be gone someday. I used to see the world like the song by Louis Armstrong “What A Beautiful World” but the beauty of the world deceived me. Really, world is not a wonderful place to me. I have been through a lot and I’m still struggling. 

I really do envy people who have everything in the world, well, not all the things in the world are measured by money. Whenever I see a big family having so much laughter at the dining table, it augurs my memory that  I used to have that tiny little warm family but my family was broken as I reached 9. I really didn’t have that family joy as the time goes. I remember that it was a darkest moment during my pre-teen. I was so alone back then. After school, I would just go home and trapped in the four cornered house and my TV was my sole companion. My parents were not around as they were going to separate way. So yeah…just forget it

Gotta sleep now, why not I cry my heart out with this song first to complement this entry? Night world.

Lasting treasure or just a moment's pleasure?

Gee, most of my friends who used to be single and they are gradually taken away every now and then.

Honestly, I’m more than happy to see my friends get attached. You know, to love and to be loved mutually is like a gift from above that you have to wrap it everyday. It is like fairy tales story for me whenever my friends talk about their silly courtship and how their lover pamper them and how their lover bully them sometimes. I really wish I could have a love story to share with my friends but unfortunately my love story is filled with disasters. So it’s better for me to keep my mouth shut to avoid kill joy moment. 

Not to say to throw cold water at them (they have my best wishes), but sometimes I wonder why they can easily get hooked up and find their lover so fast? A hasty decision for the sake of being attached or fate really brought them together?

Aside from my standard question “Who’s that guy?” I would ask them how long you know that guy.

Typical answers: two weeks, one week – even two days.

Sometimes, I really wonder how well you know that person until you need to rush for a relationship with him, do you think you are having a stranger as your lover. I know our decision is obscured by our feeling. When the feeling is so strong, you will ignore any shortcomings about that person and hook up with him.

Why bother about future for what matter the most is now?

Not being sarcastic but I really do admire their guts. Really, don’t care about the future and compatibility, what matter most is the feeling and try out the relationship. How I wish I can have this “try out” concept so I can try anything in between. Nevertheless, I don’t have courage to do so cause  fragile heart of mine doesn’t have any more room to be hurt again.

I really wonder how they could take the risk of being hurt to jump into a relationship without knowing that person. Taking the risk to have a lasting treasure or hook up with someone for a moment’s pleasure?

Lasting treasure, my ass. Seriously, there is no such thing called everlasting love in gay relationship unless you prove me wrong. It will be great if the relationship could last for a year but sadly and hardly, not many could even past the one year mark. Really, just like the gay official colours, an everlasting love in gay relationship is like a rainbow, it deceives you with a vision as it is only an illusion. Unless , you are  one hell of a lucky one who could have the everlasting love. 

I guess some many hearts are left broken until we have given up on love and relationship. We were hurt and we were disappointed until we have lost the faith in love. That’s why you could see so many sluts in gay circle. That’s no hope in true love, only moment’s pleasure lingers in this circle. The moment pleasure is like medication for the lost and it is like a temporary bandage for a broken heart.

Good, everyone is attached or attaching. Well, for me, I’m still holding my silence - 但那個人已經不是我