From priceless to worthless

What is the greatest pain in breaking up?

Betrayal? Disappointment? Anger? Or even lost?

I believe you who are reading this entry, the greatest pain in breaking up is that you realized things have changed and of course, someone that you used to know and used to love have changed. Things ain’t the same like before.

I guess it’s my bitching on my ex time lol, I just use him to elucidate this entry.

At our initial stage of our relationship, I was like the only man in the world. He used to pamper me, he used to text me to ask me where I am or what im doing, he would took me out for dinner, he gave me surprises (though I already knew the surprises but I had to play dumb), he gave his best care and attention to me. He loved me a lot until he addressed me as ‘baby’.

But as the relationship turned bitter, I was like a stranger for him. Our conversation became lesser followed by gradually reduced care and love. To make it short, I used to be a baby but after we broke up, I was just an acquaintance. 

I always feel that why people who  I used to love have the tendency to treat me as priceless in initial stage to worthless at the end. Am I that not worthy enough?

I have no idea whether it’s a curse or Alvin is meant to be mistreated. Though I’m bitchy and diva sometimes but I do think I treat people good especially the people that I really do love. So what I get in return? Those hurtful words that made me feel unworthy to exist on this earth. For example, I used to travel back to my hometown  Ipoh from KL every fortnight to meet my ex. Though love conquered all but it was really exhausting and my money gone to petrol and tol. You know what he said to me in the end?, “it’s really tiring to meet you every two weeks, I need to rest” 

Oh yeah and lately and God knows who, I was just politely asking for something in less than three words and I was replied by the word ‘fuck’ . I did not retaliate because I promised myself not to be rude though others were rude to me unless it reached the melting point. Trust me, when Alvin goes berserk, it’s really end of the world for you.

Hurtful? Well, a bit but I feel annoyed more because I treated them so well, I don’t deserve all this!

Who or what I am to you? Trash can on the road side?

Please don’t misjudge me as a demanding fag here. I don’t demand much in relationship. All I want is respect.

I always tell my friends who are attaching right now to cherish the relationship while it lasts. I know it sounds pessimistic but at least you would know you won’t fall into deep. Once the relationship is over, how you gonna get yourself out?

Like what my Katy Perry said:

The past is like a handful of dust it filters through your fingers disappearing little by little. I wish for one day I could go back and do things differently.

We tend to longing for the past, don’t we? 

I do because the past in certain timeline in my life brought me so much joy. But the moment of the happiness it’s like a handful of dust, it will gradually disappearing from your grip and one day you realize it’s all gone.

 I do see things in negative light. I always have this thought that the things and the people in front of me would be gone someday. I used to see the world like the song by Louis Armstrong “What A Beautiful World” but the beauty of the world deceived me. Really, world is not a wonderful place to me. I have been through a lot and I’m still struggling. 

I really do envy people who have everything in the world, well, not all the things in the world are measured by money. Whenever I see a big family having so much laughter at the dining table, it augurs my memory that  I used to have that tiny little warm family but my family was broken as I reached 9. I really didn’t have that family joy as the time goes. I remember that it was a darkest moment during my pre-teen. I was so alone back then. After school, I would just go home and trapped in the four cornered house and my TV was my sole companion. My parents were not around as they were going to separate way. So yeah…just forget it

Gotta sleep now, why not I cry my heart out with this song first to complement this entry? Night world.